Here we are. You got through Thanksgiving. Hanukkah and Christmas are here. And the New Year is days away. You might be saying… “Oh no, no more, please just let me stay under the covers till this is all over” and you wouldn’t be alone in feeling that. The holidays and the prospect of a new year can be complicated when your loved one is not here.
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Grief Support Groups Serving West Los Angeles, Encino and Agoura Hills
Posts by Evelyn Pechter, Psy.D.
Evelyn Pechter is a HOPE therapist and Licensed Psychologist. Dr. Pechter has private practice offices in West Los Angeles and Woodland Hills, where she specializes in adult life changes including grief/loss.
“Wherever you are right now on your journey — whether your loved one died two weeks ago, two years ago, or even 20 years ago, it helps to understand the process from beginning to the not-so-clear end. As Glenda the Good Witch of the North told Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz before she set out for Emerald City, “It’s always best to start at the beginning.” So it is with most things; so it is with grief.
— Ashley Davis Bush: Transcending Loss
It is best to start at the beginning, but what often happens is that people want to avoid the painful aspects of grief; it’s too terrifying. So, they rush right ahead, telling others — and themselves — that “Everything’s just fine. I’m okay. I’m adjusting just fine.” They attempt to skip to the end before they’ve gone through the process.
After your parent dies special dates like Father’s Day and Mother’s Day feel so very different. They hold history, traditions and memories that are special, sacred and now feel very different than in years past. It’s all changed when that parent is… missing.
Often, regardless of your age as an adult, when your parent dies it feels too soon. For some, that loss occurs at a young age. For others, they are blessed to have their parents longer. Age doesn’t seem to count when you’re grieving such an important person in your life. Grieving can be complicated when we’re adults. Somehow, at that time, we often feel “little” again inside.
To everything, there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.
A time to be born, a time to die. A time to plant, a time to reap.
A time to kill, a time to heal. A time to laugh, a time to weep.
A time to build up, a time to break down. A time to dance, a time to mourn.
A time to cast away stones. A time to gather stones together.
A time of love, a time of hate. A time of war, a time of peace.
A time you may embrace. A time to refrain from embracing.
A time to gain, a time to lose. A time to rend, a time to sew.
A time of love, a time of hate. A time of peace, I swear it’s not too late.
— Turn, Turn, Turn by Pete Seeger, based upon the book of Ecclesiastes
There is so much truth in these lyrics. The process of grieving, with all its ups and downs, mirrors the seasons. There is the darkness of winter grief, with tears in the night, then smiles as the warm summer sun brings the light and recollection of joyful times remembered.
It’s a common question: What is life like after two years of grief?
This question is similar to questions you might have asked earlier. What happens during the first year? What happens after one year of grief? What happens during the second year? These are markers of time, yet grief does not always know what time it is.
Time can seem to pass in the blink of an eye. Here it is, minute by minute, day by day… almost 2025! The problem is that this year, it’s very, very different because your loved one is no longer here to celebrate with you. The holidays feel lonely without them. It’s all changed. We’re told that the holidays are about cheer and connection, right? Oh boy, when you’re grieving and sad, you may not feel very cheerful or connected. You may just feel like hiding until the holidays are over. Just let them be over! Can you do that? Can you just hide away? You may struggle with that idea because friends and family are reaching out and inviting you to join them. They don’t want you to be alone… although wanting to be alone might be exactly how you feel.
October, and Halloween — oh what memories! Wearing costumes with a mask that you wanted to fool a friend with. In those days that was a fun kind of mask.
Now, as a grieving adult, you discover that masks take on a different purpose. Such as the metaphorical mask to avoid the sadness of grief with family and friends, when you don’t want them to know how you really feel.
It’s an interesting conundrum to consider feeling your grief when that’s the very last feeling you want. It’s those feelings that make the loss of your loved one feel too real. So, for some, the answer is — just be busy, thinking, maybe if I don’t give those feelings my attention, I won’t have to feel them.
What happens then? Grief feelings not acknowledged do not go away; they may hide for a while, sometimes even a long time. But grief is still there and will eventually show up when least expected.
The story of how Scrooge became Scrooge may shed some light on what happens when feelings are pushed aside for too long.
The death of a parent is an emotionally difficult and universal experience. Although you may cognitively understand that the loss is inevitable, that doesn’t lessen the grief when your mother or father dies. It becomes a personal and complicated journey of grief. Nothing is ever the same again. It is a transformative event and your life changes forever.
“Peace can become a lens through which you see the world. Be it. Live it. Radiate it out. Peace is an inside job.” – Wayne Dyer
Let’s start with a few baseline questions. Are you impatient? Are you angry? Do you like yourself?
Whatever your feelings, they are not unusual. They are part of your grieving process. Truth is, these feelings, including anger, can be positive and useful emotions if acknowledged and expressed appropriately. On the other hand, if anger or any emotion is repressed it may lead to various health issues, such as high blood pressure, or weaken your immune system.