Dear friends,
A teacher once said, “If you think you can wake up without breaking open, you’re mistaken.”
Growth is not polite.
Truth is not always gentle.
And transformation often hurts.
But it hurts like birth hurts.
Like muscles growing hurt.
Like a heart opening wider than it ever has before.
We don’t heal alone.
Even when we think we must.
There is so much wisdom found in the process of grieving… even if we don’t know or feel it at the time. In grieving, we grow, like it or not. You change when you attend to your grief… because just about everything changes when your spouse dies.
Often, we talk about how difficult it is to grieve the loss of a spouse. There are so many layers and so many new things to learn and do. It can be exhausting and overwhelming. Sometimes it’s hard to face the reality and just keep walking. Sleep sometimes seems like a comforting solitude and escape… but it is so temporary because your grief is there when you wake up. It waits.
Spring is finally here! Winter felt like forever this year. Now, we’re watching the miracle of Nature as life slowly comes back to our landscapes that were changed by the harshness of Winter and natural disasters. The charred California mountains are now filled with beautiful colors of blue lupine, orange poppies and the golden mustard plant. Do you feel it? The colorful…
I have been listening to versions of Turn! Turn! Turn! since Pete Seeger took the much quoted biblical passage from Ecclesiastes and made it into a song in the 1950s. In 1965 it became an international hit as recorded by the Byrds.
As a young woman, I felt the power of the song lyrics as I examined my life and looked toward the possibilities with so many years to come.
One person may say — “Closure? Will there ever be an end to this horrible pain of grief? When will I get the closure that I hear about? I’m done. I’m not going to grieve anymore!” And another person may say — “I don’t want closure. I never want to let go. How can I possibly say goodbye forever to my loved one? I’m so confused. Am…
When you’re living your life, you go about your normal routine as usual. Then when someone you love dies, surviving grief can feel like you’ve been transported onto a Ferris wheel in the middle of a lake. When you’re up high, you feel like you’re on top of things and have some measure of control. As you descend, your view and perspective changes. So do your emotions and your coping strategies. As you gain momentum plunging downward, you can feel an unraveling dread and a rise in panic. Suddenly, you’re totally submerged in deep water, much longer than you care to be, struggling for your very breath. Then the realization hits you. You’re drowning and you don’t know what to do. You don’t even know how to breathe anymore… You are at a total loss.
Perhaps you can relate to the following: You are with friends at a restaurant, glad to be away from the pain of mourning. Music is in the background, beyond your awareness until suddenly your attention is riveted as a song starts playing that was special to you and your beloved. Now you are transformed: going full throttle into grief; the pleasant time with friends fading away.
Evelyn Pechter is a HOPE therapist and Licensed Psychologist. Dr. Pechter has private practice offices in West Los Angeles and Woodland Hills, where she specializes in adult life changes including grief/loss.
“Wherever you are right now on your journey — whether your loved one died two weeks ago, two years ago, or even 20 years ago, it helps to understand the process from beginning to the not-so-clear end. As Glenda the Good Witch of the North told Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz before she set out for Emerald City, “It’s always best to start at the beginning.” So it is with most things; so it is with grief.
— Ashley Davis Bush: Transcending Loss
It is best to start at the beginning, but what often happens is that people want to avoid the painful aspects of grief; it’s too terrifying. So, they rush right ahead, telling others — and themselves — that “Everything’s just fine. I’m okay. I’m adjusting just fine.” They attempt to skip to the end before they’ve gone through the process.
For Hope Group Members it’s a simple fact of life that the ratio of women-to-men in a Group is usually four, five or six to one. Unfortunately, men often grieve alone — to the detriment of their psychological, physical and spiritual health.
Grief can leave us feeling unmoored, searching for something tangible to grasp when words fall short and memories feel distant. That’s why we were so moved when we were introduced to Michelle — The Memory Bear Maker.
Memory bears offer a quiet, comforting presence, created from a well-worn shirt, a cherished sweater, or even a faded uniform — items that may at first seem like painful reminders. Michelle transforms them into something new: A bear with personality, warmth and soul. These handcrafted bears carry more than fabric; they hold love, history and the essence of the one who wore them.