Grief is an ever-running stream, flowing fluid and unyielding. It twists and turns, it ebbs and flows, backs up and it gushes forward taking no prisoners as it surges on. It is an uninvited intruder in our lives, a force of nature that commands respect. You can run from it, you can hide, distract, ignore or even fight it. At some point, however, you will unwittingly give it your maximum attention. It will be your reckoning. Grief is the staggering unwanted mandatory tax you pay for losing someone you love.
Why do we have to go through this kind of pain, this torture? It is because like life, death is a natural part of the life cycle. The space between life and death contains all the love that has been deeply carved into your heart. Whether it’s for a few moments or for decades, that love has been felt and embraced to the point of achieving a lasting heartfelt connection. It matters and it means the world to those left behind. It is often the only thing one clings to when their loved one is gone. The wound, like a loathsome squatter, takes up residence in the sacred space that was dedicated to your beloved. The love that was so deeply tunneled into your heart is the gaping hole that is now your grief.
Initially, the wound feels like alien tape stuck to your heart and soul. There is no separation from it or escaping it because everywhere you turn, the grief is there as a constant incessant reminder that your loved one is not here anymore. This wound becomes so much a part of you that you feel it’s taking over your life.
As you move through your grief journey, it is helpful not to fight against the current even though everything in you wants to defy it. Grief has a mind and a power of its own and it can lure you into falsely believing that you can outsmart it. Don’t be fooled. If you allow the current to take you downstream, there won’t be any guarantees that you won’t hit rocks, branches, debris and other unwanted painful obstacles in your way impeding your fervent desire not to feel the pain. But those painful obstructions are minor compared to the wound of the heart. You will still be moving and should you go with the flow, you will come across people who will be there to support you through the most difficult time in your life as you move through your bereavement until you find your footing on more solid ground.
Eventually, you begin to notice that there are spaces and gaps in the duration, intensity and frequency of the wound reminder. This is when you start to take notice of your relationship with grief. It is right there, in your face, never letting you forget. At some point you’ll start to feel a little distance between you and the grief. It doesn’t take over all your thoughts and feelings as before. This is an opportunity to learn to have respect for grief because it can teach you some things about yourself that you didn’t know before. Getting to know your grief teaches you to dig down deep. Perhaps you may consider that the grief itself is a lifeline when you feel engulfed. It certainly can be when you acknowledge it, honor it and even learn to appreciate it. What you learn is up to you. How you select to embrace it, make it your companion by choice or to respectfully observe its immense power and what you do with it is also up to you. You will find that will be the only control that you have over it. Whether you choose to, and how you deal with grief matters. It matters because this is what will determine how you will step into your undefined future as you absorb your grief.
What are some of the things that grief teaches us? Grief teaches us that we can let ourselves not be okay. It teaches us to feel. That we can just be sad. That we can cry. That we can let our heart break wide open. That we won’t die from the pain of grief even though it feels like it sometimes. That we are not alone. That it is important to feel the suffering. That we can recover. That we can learn and grow. That we are resilient. It teaches us that we can be strong no matter what. That we can move forward. That we can love again. That we can still be purposeful even when we’re in our own pain and suffering. That we can start anew. Grief teaches us that we can heal.