“Healing Grief… Moment by Moment” is a podcast created and produced by HOPE Connection. In each short episode Dr. Jo Christner or another HOPE Connection therapist offers a meditative exploration of a different aspect of grief and the healing process. As you listen, we wish you love, light and comfort. This episode: “Is Positivity Always… Positive?” (June 2022) — Jo Christner, Psy.D.
Feelings! They can be so messy. Often, we’re told not to have them throughout a lifetime. Why in the world are we told not to feel what is labeled as “negative” feelings? Feelings are a part of being human… and they alert us to what is happening in our thoughts, emotions and bodies. Well, we’re often told to suppress them for a variety of reasons, including some of the following:
- They’re just too messy.
- Others don’t want to hear or deal with them. They just want you to be okay. It’s often hard to hear about sadness, pain, and grief.
- It often touches the other person’s sadness and grief… and they don’t want to go there.
- It’s a belief system that has been ingrained sometimes since birth. Think positive. Turn that frown upside down, etc., etc.
What does that do to the human feelings underneath?
As humans, we are not programmed to only feel positive emotions and have positive thoughts. Our emotions guide us to what our bodies need to heal and to progress. I too often hear in group, “I don’t want to cry or feel sad,” yet that’s the very thing that our bodies are telling us that we need right now.
When you deny feelings, they often get bigger… and they wait for you. Remember, feelings are in our bodies with all of the neurochemistry that comes from our brain. It’s important to know that what we don’t grieve, waits for us.
Sometimes positivity is certainly appropriate. Sometimes, positivity is toxic positivity… and it can give the following messages to you about your grief:
1. Keep your grief private. No one wants to hear it.
2. Something must be wrong with you that you can’t turn this around.
3. You’re supposed to just move on and keep living. Grieving is too messy, and we don’t want to hear it.
4. You’ll never meet anybody if you just keep sharing your sadness and pain.
5. I don’t want to be your friend if you’re going to be so negative.
6. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. This is just a normal part of life.
Oh Boy, talk about the results of Toxic Positivity!
The true messages that we need to give about grief are as follows:
1. Grief that is witnessed and shared, heals. It helps to be with others who understand.
2. There is nothing “wrong” with you. You just had a loved one die. It’s changed you and your life forever. Please be gentle with yourself and your grieving.
3. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to acknowledge your grief. It’s okay to know that you’re wounded right now. Grief has its own timetable. As you do your grief work, you will see that you and life will begin to change.
4. Only You know if you ever want to be in another romantic relationship. It’s not for everyone. The best relationship to work on right now is the one with you.
5. Some friends will not be able to tolerate your grief, but they might be able to share your joys. Some friends cannot share your joys but they may be able to sit with you and your grief. You get to choose to whom you share your true feelings so that you can feel witnessed and heard. If you have friends who can do both, you are truly blessed. A grief support community is a safe place to share. They understand.
6. Grief is indeed a normal part of living. Nothing is permanent. Yet, this is the part that is difficult. Saying goodbye to a loved one’s physical presence is painful and takes time, adjustment, feeling and healing.
Feel your grief, express your grief, allow your grief to be witnessed… and you will find healing.
Wishing you much Love and Light in healing your heart…moment by moment.