There is a famous line in the 1932 classic movie, Grand Hotel, where Greta Garbo says… “I want to be alone.” That phrase says so much. Alone… is it healthy or unhealthy? Well, that depends upon many factors and circumstances, especially when you are grieving the death of a loved one.
Animals, when wounded, seek isolation to lick their wounds and hopefully heal. It’s a self-soothing behavior that occurs naturally. Is it normal for human beings, when emotionally wounded from loss, to want to isolate and be alone?
The short answer is — yes. Many grief theories include isolation as a normal reaction to grieving, a need to withdraw and disengage from others and activities that used to be enjoyable. Grief often throws you into an emotional state where you just want to isolate and be alone. (It’s important to know that this isn’t true of everyone. Some people can’t stand to be alone during grief and feel suddenly detached that they seek engagement to feel safe after a loss.)
Why do we often feel a need to isolate after the loss of a loved one? For how long is it “normal” and “healthy?”
There are many factors that bring about a need to isolate. Consider the following:
Fear or concern about loss of control of emotions.
Many people isolate because grief brings about emotions that may feel surprising and unusual, such as crying suddenly, feeling angry and irritable or feeling overly anxious. You are not who you used to be. I repeat… you are not who you used to be. You and your life have changed forever since your loved one died. Sometimes, it’s easier to isolate than to manage these surprising and uncomfortable emotions in the presence of others. Isolation is sometimes a self-protection until you can find yourself… again.
Others don’t understand.
It’s true. Often others who haven’t had a loss like yours… or even a loss at all, just can’t understand. They just want you to feel better and get back to “normal.” Normal? There is no normal when you are living a changed, strange life. Again, it might just seem easier to be alone and isolate than to put on a pretend face that you’re okay… because you’re not.
Old activities just don’t seem as important anymore.
Suddenly, what seemed important before your loss, just doesn’t seem so important anymore. You may not enjoy activities and the ways of your life before your loss.
Reflection and feelings.
For some, isolating feels like a safe space to sort it all out. What happened? Where did he/she go? What do I do now? Being alone is quiet, sometimes too quiet…. and yet, again, it may feel easier than being with others and the stimulation of life around you… for now.
Overstimulation.
Grief and all the overwhelming feelings, thoughts and changes that crowd your inner space can be overstimulating. Being with others, outside noise, other emotions (including laughter), and lively activities can often feel overstimulating, especially in early grief. Any stimulation can feel overwhelming… music, lights, people, laughter, noise. It’s just too much when you’re feeling so much pain, loss and confusion. Someone in group said, “my life is upside down.” It’s confusing to navigate life feeling “upside down.”
Trauma.
Often, when a loved one dies, it’s not just a tragic loss, it’s a traumatic loss. In trauma, we normally want to withdraw and isolate. One of the factors in dealing with a PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) diagnosis is avoiding an activity, place or person to avoid feeling “triggered.”
Getting “triggered.”
Being involved in your life and the world, your grief can suddenly get triggered. That means that it gets touched and may surprise you emotionally and in your body. So many things trigger or touch our grief, usually through our five senses: a song, a place we used to spend time, a person who didn’t know about the death, a scent or a familiar word or phrase. Isolating may feel like a safe place to control some of those triggers and feel surprised less often.
Everyone is different… and grief is different for each person. Some people need some isolation or alone time. Some people need immediate activity and connection. There is no right or wrong… even though friends and family might get concerned about you wanting to be alone.
Isolation or being alone can give you time and space to feel a small sense of control in your world. The paradox is that it can also prolong grief when it becomes a way of life. It’s a bit of a balancing act to find a way to engage a little in your changed life and relationships and still have time for being solitary.
You’ve just lost one of the (or the) most important connections in your life. Connecting and having your grief witnessed by others who understand can help you to heal. That’s what joining a grief group does. It gives you connection in a world that feels upside down, confusing and disconnected. It also gives you a connection with others who truly understand that you feel detached and isolated. Together, we traverse the long, gray tunnel of transition from your “old life” to the “new life” that is waiting for you.
Grief work is… work. Hold on, we’ll do this together. Your grief will heal.