It’s an interesting conundrum to consider feeling your grief when that’s the very last feeling you want. It’s those feelings that make the loss of your loved one feel too real. So, for some, the answer is — just be busy, thinking, maybe if I don’t give those feelings my attention, I won’t have to feel them.
What happens then? Grief feelings not acknowledged do not go away; they may hide for a while, sometimes even a long time. But grief is still there and will eventually show up when least expected.
The story of how Scrooge became Scrooge may shed some light on what happens when feelings are pushed aside for too long.
We have Charles Dickens to thank for the story… and there is definitely more to that story. Mr. Dickens was actually writing about a man he met who was in the British House of Parliament. Mr. Dickens took that man’s story and wrote A Christmas Carol. You know the story about Scrooge being visited by the three ghosts, but did you know how Scrooge became Scrooge?
It’s a story of unresolved grief.
When Ebeneezer Scrooge was a youngster, his father was put in a debtor’s prison. He told Ebeneezer, “Save your pennies and make a lot of money.” Soon after, Ebeneezer’s mother died, and he and his sister were sent to separate orphanages. Some years later, his fear of poverty created a sense of urgency and Ebeneezer became a workaholic. In addition, he was engaged to Emily, yet chose work more often than Emily. She left him. How much more could he take? Loss upon loss. Ebeneezer’s heart hardened as he became obsessed with making money. Probably it was not just making money, it was also avoiding the difficult feelings. Ebeneezer just kept pushing the feelings aside… and figured that they just didn’t matter. Ebeneezer could not run fast enough from his grief; it was showing up in his anger, treatment of others and his avoidance of feeling anything for anyone, including himself and his grief for his parents.
For Ebeneezer it was a decision to not feel anything. We all know he made a lot of money; we also know he treated his trusted employee, Bob Cratchit, quite badly. He kept everyone at arms-length to avoid ever getting close to anyone again. It took three ghosts to show him the wounds to his heart and how his actions affected him and those around him.
Now, of course, we do not have Hollywood ghosts to show us the way forward. We do, however, have healthy ways to open the door to begin healing, even after many years. It is never too late for support and healing. No matter who the relationship was with — a parent, a spouse, a child, a friend — or what it was like, a loved one’s death is about feelings. Those feelings need attention and learning tools to cope with the feelings in a healing environment.
One of the healthy ways to gain support and healing is in a support group. It’s not about ghosts, at least not the kind written about by Charles Dicken, it’s about people sharing, acknowledging and honoring their grief and their loved one in a safe place where others get it and understand.
For an example of unresolved grief that showed up years later, consider “Sam,” who came to a Parent Loss group. His mother had died eight years earlier just when he was about to start college. He was kindly told by many relatives and friends to just keep going, you can’t bring her back, finish your education. Although perhaps well-meaning as it may seem, it may have delayed Sam’s grief. This was positivity that was meant to encourage him to move forward and be happy. “Don’t think about it. Stay positive and busy.” Sam heeded all the advice and did go forward, graduated and had been building his career. Now, about to get married, he has been missing his mother more. His grief is showing up more. He is feeling angry and pushing people away who want to help. He knows his mother will not be at the wedding and will never meet his wife or the children they would plan to have. He is also fearful of this daunting new journey. Now, years later, he has reached out, making the decision to process his grief and be able to look forward and find ways to honor his mother in his new life.
Sam could have chosen to continue the journey and go forward, continually burying the feelings. What was it that caused him to reach out? His future wife Cindy was aware that he was having some anger and she was concerned for him and for their lives together. Unlike Ebeneezer, Sam did not want to lose Cindy. Fortunately for both of them, he heard Cindy and took steps to work on his feelings, his anger and ultimately his grief. He was learning to cope with new skills and tools.
Anger is one symptom that indicates there may be unresolved grief. Cindy did not know or understand all that could be under his anger; she just knew something felt very wrong with Sam.
What are other possible symptoms of unresolved grief?
- Avoidance of reminders that the person is dead.
- Intense emotional pain (such as anger, bitterness, sorrow) related to the death.
- Difficulty with reintegration, such as problems engaging with friends.
- Isolating to avoid being around others and not wanting to discuss your loss.
- Ignoring caring for yourself. Perhaps sleeping too much, or persistent insomnia.
Although there are no right or wrong ways to grieve, grief that is not felt and processed is instead prolonged and may have a negative impact on your life and those around you. Death may be a topic often avoided, but living with grief cannot be avoided and need not be avoided. It needs to be witnessed and shared to heal.
When someone avoids for too long, what happens? You get better at avoiding, rather than healing.
In a normal grief reaction, people experience a variety of overwhelming emotions, but over time you can learn and discuss your emotions and seek out the support you need. The severity of unresolved grief symptoms can be incapacitating and make it difficult to come to terms with the loss and have healthy coping mechanisms. The yearning for the person who is gone persists or can grow even stronger without the help and support of others.
Reaching out is not easy, yet there is a lot to be gained in reaching out and engaging with others. Talking about feelings can be difficult. However, in a safe group the experience changes when you hear others saying what you also feel in your heart and mind. Rather than avoiding the reminders and feelings about your loved one, you are talking about your loved one and honoring them in your grief and healing.
There is so much to learn from grieving the loss of a loved one: that grief is not a problem to be solved, certainly not by ignoring the feelings.
Leaning into the feelings allows the feelings to heal.