I was in the doldrums, sorting through a drawer, mourning my husband as the date of our anniversary approached. That old Kenny Rogers song, “The Gambler,” was playing in the background. I stopped what I was doing hoping for some comfort in the simplistic lyrics. I was drawn to a deck of cards in the back of the drawer, feeling compelled to spread them all out and see if I could find something to lift my spirits.
There is so much to discover in an ordinary card deck. The four suits alone give us a look at basic aspects of life that are impacted when there is a death of a loved one.
Hearts
Hearts for most people mean love, relationships. When we lose someone close to us, it is a heart wound. We may find it hard to conceive that we will ever feel whole again. The esteemed psychiatrist Jacob Moreno wrote about how we all have a social atom, people in our lives who are important, woven into the fabric of our circle of connection that keeps us in harmony. When we lose someone close to us, we feel out of balance.
In researching people who live long lives, Moreno found that a major characteristic of those who rebound from deep loss is the flexibility to keep a strong social atom. That doesn’t mean you can replace someone who has died but it does mean you might connect more deeply to other family members, relatives, friends or even those who had been on the periphery. It also means being open to meeting new people so that energetically your heart suit stays stable over time.
Clubs
Clubs can represent the power we feel in life. Our sense of power in our world is often shattered when we lose a significant person, especially a partner. Our identity may have been tied to the strength we felt in couple-hood. The idea of being able to operate as a single person seems overwhelming. It takes baby steps, doing little things such as weeding the garden your spouse used to tend or cooking a simple meal when that was the domain of your partner. It is a time to remember your suit of clubs is not just one card but many — a time to reach out to people who want to help you and can assist with tasks that seem more than you can handle.
You may be living alone but you don’t have to do everything on your own. Reaching out for assistance is an act of power.
Diamonds
Diamonds are about what is precious.
When there has been a death, what you value often changes and it is a time to find out what is vital to you now. For example, you may have wanted your partner to get rid of that old frayed bathrobe that you now hug close to you as a treasure. Let yourself take comfort in the objects, photos, mementos, clothing — those things that ease your sorrow and connect you to your beloved person in healthy ways.
Notice that how you spend your time is changing. Use your power, the “clubs” of your life, to give yourself permission to decide when to say yes or when it is a no. You may feel confused about what is important and seek therapy to sort out the diamonds in your life.
Spades
Spades are more about gain than loss. Often when all is well and the people we hold dear are alive, we may not think about deep issues of life and death.
Loss of a beloved person will awaken parts of ourselves that have been dormant. Spades represent digging, going deep into our selfhood, finding resources to survive sorrow and loss.
We can become stronger, more complex people able to withstand the trials of life. Spades can remind us to reach out spiritually to meditation, religion, arts, nature —whatever deepens our inner life.
Whether or not you are a card player, you probably know the term “Ace in the Hole”— a hidden card that belongs to you whether you know it or not. Sometimes it is a very valuable game-changing card. Our resilience is often that way. In your decades of living you have faced many loses and tough times. You got stronger as you rebounded from your life challenges. This is a time to encourage yourself and believe in the strengths you already possess, building on them to regain equilibrium.
Grieving is a time to use all the suits: hearts for loving connection, clubs for the power you possess, diamonds to embrace that which is most precious and spades for depth and spiritual connection.
Most card decks include Jokers. Sometimes they become wild cards that change everything. In many cultures as people congregate to mourn, laughter and tears join together in an expression of grief. We need that lighter side even when our heart is heaviest. In a grief program like Hope Connection, a two-year-plus program, there is not a lot of laughter in the beginning when loss is most recent but as time moves forward the laughter grows and lifts aching hearts.
The song “The Gambler” was a massive hit when released in 1978 and still can be heard today. There is something about the view of life in that song that resonates whether or not the lyrics fit the individual listener. We are drawn to that age old philosophy that it isn’t the hand we are dealt but how we play the game that makes all the difference. That simple idea has brought hope for generations.
If you’d like, spread out a deck of cards and make your own associations. You will probably surprise yourself with the insights and discoveries that you produce — all in the cards.