The award-winning song “You’ve Got A Friend in Me” is blaring as the drama group sings out with wild enthusiasm. Flying arms reach out to as many others as possible with fist bumps. The song ends with hugs, laughter — the joy of being together. These are the Born To Act Players, a non-profit group of young adults with challenges — Down syndrome, autism, seizure disorders and more. Some of the participants have dealt with illness, surgery, death of a parent or sibling. Their lives have had times of struggle but not in this moment of togetherness.
When you experience the death of a beloved, you can feel adrift with loss in every area of your life. But friendship can be a lifeline during the toughest of times. Friendship can mean anything from casual links online to the strongest of bonds with your best pals. Death of a beloved often seems to be filled only with loss.
Friendship is an area of our lives that goes beyond loss into what we can gain — connection with those who help us through at a time the world feels overwhelming.
Let’s look at some of those connections on the friendship continuum:
Deep connections already in place. These are the people who are your good friends — the people who truly want to be of service to you. This is a time to be open to those already in your heart.
You may not feel like having anyone around and sometimes it is healthy to send the world away but we need balance. It helps to be open to connection — sharing deep feelings with a few key people. Letting those who truly want to help run errands, bring meals, take you on outings. Deepening already close friendships eases the rough road of grief.
When your partner dies, you may feel an aloneness in a cold world that seems alien to you without that special person. Deep friendships do not replace loved ones but do keep us tethered to life while we get our bearings.
Hopefully, you have one or more people in your life who lift you as you have done for them in the span of your friendship. It is also possible that the relationship with your partner was so all encompassing that you do not have the kind of support you need after the death of your loved one.
This is the time to go further into the continuum of friendships where community exists. You may want to get involved with your temple or church if that is part of your world. Perhaps you may connect with interest groups for nature experiences, the arts, crafts, discussion.
A. A. Milne expressed it well through his famous character, Winnie the Pooh, who says: “You can’t stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”
Regardless of the depth of your friendships, the research on grief has shown gains that come from a bereavement group where you can be with others who are also going through the emotional pain and upheaval following the death of a beloved. Not only is there the sense of being understood but great value comes from listening and sharing your experiences.
Often a bereavement group offers friendship to bring you back into activity, eating out and going places together. The stimulation of conversation and activities are one reason why support groups actually show up as positive brain activity in current research. You may be surprised to find that you make new friends who become close companions. Depth of friendship is not always measured by time. Soul-to-soul connection can come when you least expect it.
Recent research has included the value physically and emotionally of what is termed by social scientists as “weak friendships.” At the very weakest would be internet “friends” you may not even know. It also includes people you know but don’t see very often such as a doctor, dentist, checker in the grocery store, salesperson at a mall. These are often light contacts that are important to finding balance as you deal with the pain of unbearable loss.
The research is showing health benefits to even one-time contacts with people you never met before and may never again — the smile of someone you pass on the street, a quick hello on an elevator, a conversation with an unfamiliar person in a line — those little encounters with “strangers” that pass in and out of your life.
An elderly woman was struggling to open the door to enter a bank. A woman already inside saw her and held the door open. The older woman expressed thanks and asked the other how her day was going. The young woman burst into tears and said that her mother died a few days ago so she was taking care of bank business. They talked briefly, then embraced before parting, both touched by the caring encounter.
Many of our “weak connections” are lighthearted and provide respite from our stressors but sometimes there are deep unforgettable moments that remain in our hearts. As Maya Angelou put it, “A friend might be waiting behind a stranger’s face.”
There is research galore and so many articles about the healing, helping, redeeming qualities of friendship of all kinds. The essence of friendship is simple. Friendship is the nectar of life — sweet, caring, life affirming. Being a friend and having friends is a path of love, of the heart, hope in our journey to live well when grief has taken so much from our lives.
This simple Academy award-winning song by Randy Newman doesn’t say it all but does capture the soul of the power of friendship.