Grieving the loss of a loved one is a difficult journey that everyone navigates in their own way. Your ability to cope depends on several things. First, your basic resilience and attitude about life. Second, your strategies for dealing with emotions. Third, your ability to ask for help and get social support.
Whether it is anticipated, unexpected or traumatic, the circumstance of the loss is also significant. Multiple losses, whether they occurred all at once, or come in quick succession with little time to mourn each one can overwhelm anyone’s ability to cope — despite your resilience, ability to deal with emotions or the extent of your social network. Suffering multiple losses is called “bereavement overload” or “cumulative grief.” Sometimes a surge of losses is just too much to bear. A recent loss, or even an expectation of another, may trigger all the pain of earlier losses, leaving you at risk of falling into incapacitating depression or “complex grief.” During such a time it’s imperative to keep several things in mind.
Denial or avoidance. Dealing with grief by denial or avoidance may manifest in physical or emotional problems. Your mind and body naturally want to protect themselves from injury, and you must employ defenses to keep functioning. But you also need to acknowledge the pain and allow healing to go at its own pace. When there are multiple losses, working through grief requires extra time and often, extra help.
Losses are different from each other. It is tempting to think you can put all the losses into one container and grieve them all at once. But every loss leaves a thumbprint as distinct as the lost relationship. Also, each grief experience will feel qualitatively different. For example, my brother’s death at 59 was a completely different experience from that of my aging father a decade before or losing my stepparents in subsequent years. It is important to be able to unpack each loss separately and mourn your loved ones, making space to appreciate the meaning each has brought to your life. Sometimes other kinds of life losses up the ante for internal overload too, such as divorce, job loss, relocation, or the passing of beloved pets.
It was not long after my prior losses that my mother died. I had only made a dent in the primal grief of losing her and was still settling her estate when my husband died. All I wanted to do was call my mom and talk to her about it, but of course, that was not possible. My heartbreak over his death overtook the grief for my mother, blending it all into one.
Loss creates stress. Multiple losses are stressful and can increase fear and anxiety about the future. Stress is also cumulative. But not every loss creates the same level of stress. Losing my grandparents was sad, for example, but didn’t alter my day-to-day existence. The losses that dramatically affect daily life, or that touch your deepest attachment bonds, will often be the most painful and stressful to bear. My husband, who had always been there to hold and support me through prior losses, was no longer there to comfort me during my heaviest grief. Although I had loving family around me, I felt very alone.
Secondary losses that are ongoing intensify stress. For example, my sense of identity as part of a marital dyad was forced to change; responsibilities and choices over small or large issues, including financial decisions, were not as easy without a partner. Dealing with my mother’s declining health, subsequent death and estate management was stressful. But loss of my long-term spouse was life altering.
Allow others to help you. It is difficult to ask for help or express needs if the pain of grief is denied or avoided. Excessive use of drugs and alcohol, manic busyness or other means to push grief away may temporarily numb feelings but does little to resolve the underlying sadness and creates more problems. Allowing others to help and care for you is essential in reducing stress and digesting the nuances of multiple losses. Getting together with loved ones who may also be grieving the same loss can be very comforting and help with feelings of isolation. Sharing memories or hearing stories about those who have died may help you recall the distinctions of each cherished relationship, an important part in unraveling all the separate grief threads.
Phase of life can increase the chance of cumulative grief. Phase of life can affect the likelihood of bereavement overload. For example, those who are aging are not only likely to experience partner loss, but the loss of multiple lifelong friends. Secondary losses such as a reduced sense of purpose in retirement, decline of physical functioning or mobility and loss of independence often coincide. These can accumulate in the grief pile. Cumulative grief in the geriatric community is sometimes overlooked. Even caregivers, hospice workers or those working in high-risk vocations are at risk for emotional fatigue and overload.
Working through multiple losses requires patience. Working through multiple losses can’t be rushed. It requires patience, attentiveness, self-compassion and care of your emotional and physical needs. The most recent loss may occupy the foreground and earlier ones may recede to the background, but they are still there and will find ways to surface. When they do, use it as an opportunity to do further grief work.
Navigate your own journey. Here are some suggestions to find your way on your journey and reduce the likelihood of overload :
- Keep a daily routine to feel calm and relaxed.
- Make time to just be with yourself in solitude.
- Go for a walk, spend time in nature, do mindfulness meditation, yoga or maintain a spiritual practice.
- Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings.
- Write down memories of your loved ones.
- Give expression to whatever feelings arise.
- Paint, knit, organize photos, whatever brings you solace and joy.
- Find time to rest. Our society emphasizes doing and achieving, but to heal we need to rest.
- Acknowledge what you have been through.
- Don’t let anyone else define your grief journey. It is yours. You are the navigator. Listen to yourself.
- Spend time with those who care about you. Finding community can ease the burden of loneliness.
- If grief feels too difficult or paralyzing, get extra support with a professional therapist or a grief group.
Over the years, as the grief for my husband receded, the grief for my mother and sometimes others resurfaced. My body was saying, “now you have room to revisit this.” I learned that paying attention to my feelings and taking the time to honor them was honoring my love for those who had meant so much to me. It may not be a linear journey, but grief will find a way to heal itself. You just need to make the space for it to happen.