Judge: What is the charge?
Plaintiff: Being alive while my beloved is dead.
Judge: Where is your lawyer?
Plaintiff: I wish to plead my own case.
Judge: What is your plea?
Plaintiff: Guilty!
Judge: You are charged with a very common infraction following a death — Survivor’s Guilt!
Judge: As you do not wish to put forth a defense, this court will now pass judgment. You are accused of continuing to live while your loved one is no longer physically alive on this earth. You have persecuted yourself without mercy. You are guilty as charged. You have come to me for sentencing and that is what you will receive and follow. Do you understand?
Plaintiff: Yes, and do not be lenient.
Judge: This is a sentence for the rest of your life on this earth. I sentence you to notice and fully embrace all the blessings and joys of your life. You may no longer use the death of your beloved to keep you from vital living. Your self-punishment will no longer be valid and must cease. You can experience true grief and mourn your loss but the only antidote for your guilt is to embrace life. Case dismissed.
If only reality were as simple as a court sentence to live fully in spite of our grief, ignoring the forces within that can keep us from moving forward to a meaningful life with many joys.
I remember the day my husband died and I had to go home alone. It was not the first time because he had been in a care facility for several months. But it was the first time going home as a widow. Strangely, I was struck by how normal everything seemed around me.
It was an ordinary day, mild weather in March, sun shining, puffy clouds flowing by, birds singing. It seemed so wrong for anything to be right on the day my husband died. Surely the earth would shake, lightning and thunder would abound, everyone would be in shock… unable to work or play.
The normality of the world continued every day for others but not for me. I wasn’t seeking a ‘“new normal.” I wanted, needed to cling to earlier days before illness and Alzheimer’s when my husband was healthy, full of energy, driving, taking hikes, home with me.
Have you ever experienced a deep feeling close to guilt because your life was going on while your partner was deceased?
These feelings are common after a huge loss. They can rob you of pleasure in celebrations that used to be joyful — weddings, births, holidays, parties. That surreal state of shock in which you know that you are alive and your beloved is not can also taint ordinary activities that were nevertheless special. Simply going to a movie, eating out, taking walks, watching favorite shows together are the fabric of ordinary life — but it’s not ordinary when it’s enhanced by love connection.
Finding it hard to grasp that life goes on for you while your partner is not on this earth is common in the early days of dealing with loss. It is also not unusual to have moments throughout your life when missing the person you mourn is so intense that it impacts the joy of the moment.
For some of you time does not help or lessen your pain of loss. Big and small life activities continue to bring on sadness, depression, guilt that you are alive and your loved one is not.
The term “survivor’s guilt” was originally used to describe the deep emotional wounds in the aftermath of major trauma such as the holocaust, war, earthquakes, terrorist attacks. Over time the term has expanded to include personal experiences of accidents, illness, death of a loved one. Survivor’s guilt can keep an individual mired in depression, anxiety, hopelessness, inertia, PTSD. It is normal and expected in the early phases of recovery from grief or trauma and often decreases over time, especially with psychological help.
There are many theories about the causation. In the trauma of death of a loved one, guilt can give the illusion of control over helpless feelings about the past and future. Sometimes the guilt is based on acts we regret that we did or did not do. Most of the time our guilt over being alive is not rooted in rational thought. Guilt can feel less painful than sorrow or powerlessness.
Our ability to go on after deep loss is a process and hopefully we do not confront it alone. We do not represent ourselves in the court of life. We need those around us. That is why grief groups, family, friends, interest groups, therapy become so crucial. It helps in so many ways to talk about your experience and hear from others who understand and walk a road parallel to yours.
What can you do to enjoy the life in front of you now? How can you live in a state of “sweet survivorship” free from survivor’s guilt most of the time. Try the following.
- Accept your feelings and don’t take to heart comments that deny your guilt or pressure you to get over it.
- Embrace the power of community and notice what others are doing, not to compare but to feel inspired or to connect by sharing your story. A group reminds you that you are not alone. As you feel compassion for others in the group, your own self-love can increase.
- Plan ahead for times you know will be difficult. Have rituals for holidays that can include your loved one. One man was married to a woman who adored flowers. Each holiday he would set up a small area with her picture, her favorite flowers and a beautiful card. Another woman would go to her husband’s favorite park and play songs on her phone that he loved. Each of you probably have your ways to honor your loved one. Sharing those ideas in a group can be a source of comfort to others while increasing your sense of well being.
- Imagine bringing the person who has died with you to events by taking an object they owned or bringing a picture. My mother loved musicals. At first I felt guilty when I would go to an opera or musical theater. I started wearing her wedding ring whenever I went along with a photo of the two of us in my purse. It felt as though we were having the experience together.
- Step “out of the box” in little ways. One woman loved making chicken soup. It was her husband’s favorite and a treat for her too. After he died she put away her pans and not only stopped making the soup but she was unable to eat it anywhere. Then one day she was feeling in the dumps and decided to make chicken soup. She infused it with memory and love, having a big bowl and sending some to her neighbor, also a widow. It was a small, sweet triumph.
- Let the arts and nature soothe your soul. It could be a piece of classical music, a song that reaches your heart, a beautiful painting that leaves you in awe, the sunset, fresh cut flowers for your kitchen — relish those blessings of the universe that take you to the deepest depths of your being.
- “Ride the wave” when nothing helps. Let the love within ride along. Feel your arms holding you in the dark times. Even the most powerful of waves comes to a crest, then subsides and reaches the shore.
Life is not a courtroom. Sweet survivorship is possible even if only some of the time. Think of the words from Fiddler On the Roof as friends and enemies raised a glass to celebrate, singing: “To life, to life, L’Chaim.” Life — the music and heartbeat of all our moments.