Grief can be so confusing, so exhausting and so overwhelming! There are so many uncomfortable and difficult feelings that arise when your loved one dies.
Overwhelming does not even begin to describe how big it might feel. There is sometimes so much going on inside that our central nervous system gives us a natural anesthetic that helps us to just feel… numb. That numbness or shock is a normal first part of grieving that helps us negotiate our suddenly surreal situation.
Eventually, you feel less numb and feelings arise. Let’s look at a few of these: Love, Sadness, Depression, Anger and Despair.
Love. What happens to love when your loved one dies? Does it go away? Did it die also? There’s so much pain and suddenly sadness and depression have taken its place.
But love is not the kind of emotion that just disappears because your loved one is absent. It changes, it relocates, it transforms, it integrates… but it does not go away.
Sadness and Depression. Both are associated with the feeling of your love being disconnected. Without having had love, you wouldn’t feel them. Sadness and depression are intimately connected to love.
Anger and Despair. How about your feelings of anger and despair? They lead to thoughts such as, I feel so alone. My heart aches. I feel empty inside. I just want it to go away. It hurts so much. These feelings appear when the shock wears off… and they’re messy! You don’t like them… and others don’t like them either. They want you to be okay and be “you” again. But here they are!
If you pay attention, you can feel grief in your body and that can feel frightening. Our chemistry literally changes as cortisol, the stress hormone, pours into our bodies.
A good example is “Broken heart syndrome.” This is when a griever’s heart literally changes its size and shape due to the neurochemistry changes during grieving. Our body takes the brunt and it needs attention and care.
Our society tends to urge us to send our grief away…. to encourage us to move on from it, sometimes run from it! This is not the answer. Grief will just go on hold in our chemistry and wait until another time to surprisingly reappear.
The answer is to lean into it and embrace it. Grief is not your enemy. It will become your guide and uninvited teacher. You will change because you struggle… and you will never be the same.
You Don’t Just Go Through Grief. You Grow Through Grief. What happens to those raw, hard-to-bear feelings?They will also change over time and grief work.
Remember the old phrase, Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You may not think of it as something that happens when a loved one dies… but often it does. Sometimes we grow gentler with our memories, more forgiving and more aware of the good in them, instead of remembering our grudges, resentments and relationship struggles. Suddenly, when your loved one is gone, there is more room to see and understand the bigger picture of them and their lives… and their struggles.
We all make good and bad choices in a lifetime. Yet, when a loved one dies, it’s sometimes hard to see the bigger picture. Sometimes we idealize and only see the good instead of also seeing the struggles. Others may only see how difficult the relationship was… and experience their anger and the grief of missed dreams and opportunities. But it’s all important and will unfold differently for everyone. A griever in one of the groups referred to her grieving as a ride on “the struggle bus.” It is certainly a bit like that bus!
Like some, you might “shut it down” so that you don’t feel it all… but it’s still there inside a little compartment in your heart. Pay attention to your grief in your heart, emotions, mind and soul. Find new ways to share the feelings that are waiting to be felt and expressed. They are real and so important. Give time and attention to yourself and to others in sharing those emotions. We’re all on the “struggle bus” together and will find our way… together.
That’s one of the reasons why joining a grief support group is so important. You share with other grievers because they understand… and they share with you. Healing happens and transformation begins when we share, listen and witness.
It is our love that guides grief to meaning. It’s acknowledging and sharing our struggles that helps us to deeply understand who our loved one was, who we were and who we are becoming. Life is just not easy… and yet that’s how we all grow — through our struggles and joys.
Hold it all in your heart and let it all be your guide…. as you Go… and Grow through your grief.
Ram Dass once said: “We’re all just walking each other home.” Please walk with me and we’ll see each other through.