There is so much wisdom found in the process of grieving… even if we don’t know or feel it at the time. In grieving, we grow, like it or not. You change when you attend to your grief… because just about everything changes when your spouse dies.
Often, we talk about how difficult it is to grieve the loss of a spouse. There are so many layers and so many new things to learn and do. It can be exhausting and overwhelming. Sometimes it’s hard to face the reality and just keep walking. Sleep sometimes seems like a comforting solitude and escape… but it is so temporary because your grief is there when you wake up. It waits.
The loss of a spouse is complicated. It’s the loss of a partner, a best friend, feeling special to someone, the one who took care of many tasks, your confidant, your lover, your family hierarchy, your history, your social time, feeling connected and less alone, on and on. It can be so overwhelming to have your world feel like it has fallen apart and you are the one who must now redefine and pull it back together. We talk about this often in the two-year grief program. t does happen —pulling it back together. What does it take?
Jeannie, a group member said it so well. She spoke about feeling strong… or feeling and being brave. This is what she wrote and shared in group:
“Those who don’t know us well, or even our friends who don’t know what we’re going through inside, may see us appearing to function almost as if nothing has happened. In some cases, we may be doing things they’ve never seen us do before, or didn’t know we could do, to handle everything that has suddenly landed in our lap. Not knowing what to offer us, we hear them say, ‘wow you’re so strong’… when in fact that’s the last thing we think we are, as we hold ourselves together by the thinnest of threads. With our nerves on the rawest of edges already, hearing this makes us feel like nobody understands.
“For me, ‘living while grieving isn’t about being strong… it’s about being brave. There’s a big difference. Being brave is having the grit, and the courage, to just do what we know we have to do, even when we’re afraid, exhausted, devastated and alone. By being brave and actually making ourselves do and accomplish the things that must be done (and the list seems endless), we slowly but surely come to know that we can, and we will, live with and through this. And with that knowing comes confidence… from which, finally, eventually, comes true strength.
“We may not be very strong yet. But it all starts with being brave… brave enough to truly believe in ourselves. Now when others tell me I’m ‘strong,’ what I choose to hear is that they believe in me too. It sounds a lot better when I think about it that way.”
Jeannie keeps a daily journal to help her through her grief. Please consider doing the same. It gives your voice and feelings a place to come outside of you. Over time, the path becomes more clear and you can see the Light in your changed life again. Finding your “brave” is not easy… but it does make a difference as you heal. These quotes capture the essence of what it means to live bravely:
“Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.” —Tori Amos
“You don’t have to be fearless. Doing it afraid is brave.” — Susan Jeffers/Insight Timer
The HOPE Connection groups are there to help you find your “brave,” your strength and your healing. We do it together. It works better that way. We share together. We cry together. We heal together. We get brave together. It’s an amazing and very sacred community. You are welcome to join us. Please call 818-788-4673. We’re here for you.