What do most people really know about grief… or how to grieve? Most people know very little. In our society, we most often shy away from the issue of death and most often don’t talk about the horrible pain that we feel when we grieve. We stuff it down, put on a “good face” and act like we’re okay. Inside, we feel confused, frightened, anxious and in emotional pain. The other option that happens is that people shut down, hide away and suffer in silence and aloneness. Neither of these options work very well. They just put grief on hold and cause more suffering.
Is there a right or wrong to grieve? Is there grieving too much or not grieving enough?
How did we learn about how to grieve over our lifetime? Well, that depends upon many factors, including some of the following. Ask yourself these questions.
1. What were you taught as a child about grief? Were you allowed to go to funerals or memorials? When a loved one died, did anyone explain to you what death means? What emotions did you witness as a child from your parents?
2. What did you parents believe? Do you even know? Death and grief are often not discussed. It becomes one of those taboo discussions because it’s just… too difficult and filled with emotion. Often people just became stoic and “move on.” After all, that’s probably what they were told or modeled to do.
3. What is your belief system about death? What happens when our bodies die? This is a very confusing and difficult question for many. Having a belief system that is supportive can definitely help when you’re grieving.
If that’s what we’re often taught growing up, it’s no wonder that we don’t know what to expect or how to grieve as we grow older. We just pass those messages on.
What and where can we learn about grief and how to grieve? Grieving alone is not the best idea. Grief heals better when it is witnessed. Knowledge can be comforting, especially at a time of grieving. You are not going crazy, you are grieving. Research shows it is harder to grieve and heal alone. Joining a grief group gives you the opportunity to be with others who also are grieving. You find a safe place to share your grief and heal together. You discover things about grief that are felt and experienced by others. You are not alone.
What Is Grief?
Therese A. Rando, Ph.D., in her book, How to go on Living When Someone You Love Dies, says the following about grief:
- Your grief will take longer than most people think it should.
- Your grief will take more energy than you can imagine.
- Your grief will involve continual changes.
- Your grief will show itself in all spheres of your like. It will affect your social relationships, your health, thoughts, feelings and spiritual beliefs.
- Your grief will depend upon how you perceive the loss.
- You will grieve for many things (both symbolic and tangible), not just the death itself.
- You will grieve for what you have lost already as well as for the future — for the hopes, dreams and unfulfilled expectations you held for and with that person.
- Your grief will involve a wide variety of feelings and reactions: some expected, some not.
- The loss will resurrect old losses, feelings and unfinished business from the past.
- You may have some confusion about who you are; this is due to the intensity and unfamiliarity of the grieving experience and uncertainty about your new role in the world.
- You may have a combination of anger, depression, irritability, frustration or intolerance.
- You may feel guilt in some form.
- You may experience spasms, waves or acute upsurges of grief that occur without warning.
- You will have trouble remembering things and making decisions.
- You may be overwhelmed by the death and preoccupied with thoughts of the deceased.
- You will search for meaning in your life and question your beliefs.
- You may find yourself acting differently.
- Society has unrealistic expectations about your mourning and may respond inappropriately.
- You may have a variety of physical reactions.
- Certain dates, events, seasons and reminders will bring upsurges in your grief.
- Certain experiences later in life may resurrect intense feelings of grief.
As you can see, grief and grieving can be complicated, especially because we really don’t know grief and how to heal. Joining a grief support group allows you to be with others who understand and learn how to navigate grief and find healing.
“We not here to see through one another. We’re here to see one another through.” — Peter DeVries, MD.
We’re here to see you through.