What happens to grief that is unattended? Are there symptoms? Does grief still exist if it’s put on hold or does it go away by itself? What do I do with it?
When your loved one dies, grief is a natural process in our bodies that can take many forms. It’s unique to every individual and is affected by so many different factors. “25 Factors That Affect How You Grieve and Heal from the Death of a Loved One” explains many of those factors.
One thing for sure, though, grief is patient. If left unattended or not processed, it will… wait. Attending to your grieving process helps grief to heal. When we aren’t able to or don’t allow that process, it waits until another time. Sometimes we don’t even know that it is still there. Then, out of the blue, we wonder why we’re feeling like we’re right back in early grief.
I worked with a Vietnam vet who was in the jungle for a full year. He saw many young men and women die horrible deaths. Then, he was on a plane back to a hostile “welcome home” and decided to function like the war experience had never happened. There was no one to talk with and no place to share his grief. For 30 years, he was high functioning and successful. The morning of the Northridge earthquake, everything in his home came down… and all the grief from the war surfaced. He was not able to suppress it any longer. His body had ignored his grief too long and now it came up with vengeance.
Delayed Grief is grief that has been suspended. It can show up days, months or even years later. It normally happens to people because other activities and responsibilities of life take priority after a death. Sometimes, it’s delayed because it just feels too painful to feel. There is sometimes a fine line between “unresolved grief” that is consciously set aside or avoided and delayed grief that just doesn’t take priority over all the other priorities after a death. We just don’t have the emotional resources to cope with and handle everything at once.
What circumstances and situations may cause delayed grief? The following will help you to better understand why grief gets put on hold, how it shows up in your thoughts, emotions and in your physical body.
Some beliefs and life’s circumstances that may cause grief to be put on hold:
- Belief system: Why do I need to feel and share my grief? S/he’s gone and is not coming back.
- Fear of time: I don’t have much time left. I don’t have time to grieve. I need to move on. I want to live life.
- Responsibilities: There were so many responsibilities after my spouse died, so many estate things to solve.
- Aloneness: Now there is just me. I don’t have time to grieve. I need to take care of everything by myself.
- Avoidance of feeling: It’s too painful. I don’t want to feel all those feelings.
- Relationship factors: I didn’t have a very good relationship. I don’t need to grieve.
- Single parenthood: I have small children at home. I just have to function and be okay for them.
- Others: My adult children just want me to feel and do better. They don’t want to see me grieve.
- Multiple losses: My mom, husband and dog died within a short time. I just don’t know how or whom to grieve.
- Finances: I had financial hardships and had to focus on survival.
- Customs and religious or spiritual beliefs: It’s not the end. I don’t need to grieve.
Changes in emotions and moods that may arise:
- Tearfulness and sadness
- Irritability
- Mood swings
- Sense of guilt and regret
- Anger
- Sleeplessness
- Aches and pains
- Change in appetite
- Obsessive thinking about the trauma
- Increased anxiety and fear
Changes in your physical body from delayed grief:
- Heart palpitations
- Forgetfulness
- Confusion
- Stomach issues
- High blood pressure
- Fatigue
Be careful of unhealthy ways of coping. Grief is still in the body — literally — so you might find other unhealthy ways to try to cope with it.
- Negative “self-talk”
- Overeating or “forgetting” to eat
- Using drugs
- Excessive alcohol use
- Harming yourself in any way to calm the anxiety
- Acting out your anger
- Isolating and becoming less social
Grief can be healed and will be healed if you take time to make it the priority, pay attention and process it.
Being in a grief support group gives you a safe place to be with others who understand because they have put their grief on hold also. It happens. Now is the time to heal.
Read about HOPE Connection’s Spousal Loss Delayed Grief Support Group here.
Or download the flyer for more information.
