What’s in a word? Some words can be very powerful, especially when you’re grieving. For someone whose parent has recently died, the first word they associate with their parent might be constant. It’s usually defined as dedicated, devoted, faithful, loyal, steadfast, steady. For many adult children who have had a parent die, those are some of the words that immediately spring to mind when they describe their parent. They might also say they thought of their parent “as an angel,” “a best friend,” “best support.”
At the same time, some who have lost a parent might say “relieved” because their parent is no longer suffering. You may also feel relieved because you didn’t have a healthy relationship with your parent due to a variety of factors including abusive behavior and mental illness.
While grieving the loss from any death is unique, the death of a parent presents a life-changing crisis for all in the immediate family. A parent’s death has an impact on all children, no matter their age. Whether the relationship was good or bad, the feelings that one has for a parent are some of the most intense feelings that an individual can have. Parents play a molding and shaping role early in life. We seek their approval and blessings for our actions. We look to them for guidance and direction. Though no parent is perfect, we are able to recognize the incredible impact that they have on our life.
But there’s more. When a parent dies, we not only lose the relationship, we lose a keeper of our history and a part of the future. We can no longer show the parent who we are now and the life we will have as we get older. We can no longer gain from their experiences and wisdom. We cannot share holidays, vacations, birthdays or momentous occasions with one of the most significant individuals in our life.
If the relationship was a good one, grieving involves facing the future without the love and companionship that only a parent can provide. It means there will be one less person providing support and guidance. If the relationship was not so good, the grieving may involve regret that a better relationship will never be able to be formed. It may mean that some strong intense feelings of anger surface, and feelings of abandonment and betrayal that had perhaps been there for many years, remains.
If you are thinking, what about me? I don’t feel like my parent was ever there for me, and wasn’t that constant in my life. Then you may be feeling alone, feeling less than or different. Your grief may feel different and is also painful. If that’s the case, this article may be important for you. Whatever the relationship, everything feels different now without your parent.
Grieving is very personal when a parent dies, no matter the quality of your relationship. There is a piece of history that remains a memory and can become a treasure that’s held very sacred.
People react to grief in different ways, but it’s important to let yourself feel whatever you are feeling — anxious, sad, angry, lost, lonely and maybe isolated. Grief is about missing your parent and also about who are you now without your parent.
There’s no single right way to grieve, no set amount of time after which you can automatically expect to feel different, no stages or steps to check off a list. This in itself can be difficult to accept. Denying or avoiding your feelings may seem like a route toward faster healing. You might also get the message that others expect you to move on, or you may be feeling pressure or concern that you are grieving wrong. There is no wrong way to grieve. Grief is a difficult process as well as a painful one.
How you adapt to a profound life-changing event is what the bereavement process is all about. Grief has a way of sapping confidence and you may be reflecting and second guessing yourself. As an adult grieving the loss of a parent, it’s important to know there are various coping strategies. Some of those coping strategies may depend on what your relationship was like. If you had a secure attachment with your parent, and felt that secure base that let you know you were safe, you may be wondering how to go forward now without your parent. If you did not feel safe and secure there may also be a part of you that wonders about navigating your feelings.
Having a toolkit to help you learn to grieve in a healthy way may be helpful. Consider these tools for your T.O.O.L.K.I.T.
Time: Take time to grieve, set aside time to sit and allow feelings. Especially when you are busy working, taking care of family, children, friends, whoever. Grief needs attention, it’s calling out to you, and acknowledging your grief and giving attention with time set aside, just five or 10 minutes can make a difference.
Observe: Notice what you feel, for example, when you are anxious or restless, Name the feeling — “I’m feeling anxious.” Notice your breath, ask yourself, what does anxious feel like? Do you notice being jittery or fidgety, bracing yourself? Feeling tense? Letting out a breath can ease the tension. When you can name what you feel and where you feel it, you can lower the intensity. Feelings that are ignored often become more intense. Observing and paying attention will help.
Outside: Nature is a great resource. Make time to be outside. Take a walk, smell the flowers, hug a tree, watch the ocean. Whatever gives you comfort in the outdoors is worth doing.
Light: Even in the darkest hours, there is light. You just need to look for it and believe. Light a candle and remind yourself there is light while you are walking through grief. There will also be times when you may feel like it will always be dark. The darkness will subside and the light will slowly appear.
Kindness: Such an important part of your toolkit is kindness. Self-Kindness is good self-care. It’s Important to remind yourself to feel gratitude for the kindness of others and the kindness that your parent may have shown you. What a gift.
Individual: Grief is very individual — no one has the exact same journey. Your siblings, relatives, friends each have their own way of grieving their lost relationship. Stay true to your grieving and step-by-step you will find healing.
Talk: You may be holding onto your feelings and thoughts sometimes, thinking that no one cares. Talking about your parent and your feelings is an important release. Be with friends you trust will listen. Talk and share with others who understand in a grief group. There is a lot of healing in sharing.
As part of a toolkit, remember that healing is helped by honoring your parent in various ways, such as:
- Make recipes your parent made, or just enjoyed eating.
- Plant a tree in memory of your parent.
- Create a memorial online or whatever way that will comfort you.
- Make a donation in your parents’ name.
- Share your parent’s story and their life.
This is now becoming your continuing life story, and it is a process. It’s also a continuing bond you will have with your parent, for the rest of your life. There are many ways to grieve and many ways to honor your parent. It happens by traveling this journey moment by moment.
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