When your spouse dies, there is a process that you go through — your very own individual process. As painful as that process is, it also presents you with the chance to walk down a perhaps wholly unanticipated path — one that allows you to redefine your identity and goals. Grief changes you and takes you to a different place inside and out. That place might be the next chapter of your life.
As you begin your journey through grief, redefining who you are sounds like a daunting task. In reality, one step at a time, two years pass very quickly and you may have, at the very least, a vision of who you are becoming.
What will you discover? If you do your grief work, you will see light at the end of the tunnel. You will also edit your life script along your journey. Consequently, you will become a different person. That can be a very exciting challenge!
The idea that you have an opportunity to reinvent yourself can actually fill you with hope. Certainly, there is no hurry, there is no timeline, no rush! With time, your agony will subside and you will regain your strength and your feelings of control over your life.
For a moment, take a step back and look at the wreckage. Know that the hardest time you will ever face is probably behind you. There will be a calm after the storm. What will the next chapter be? Believe that you will be okay.
Change takes time. If you feel depressed, confused, lonely, hold a space for those feelings. Believe that you can and will survive and thrive.
Examine your life and ask yourself: What have I been passionate about? Is this loss going to define who I am? Will I let it destroy me?
The AA Prayer is so appropriate for the space you are in: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
It is very important to allow yourself time to grieve. You will do best when grieving in a grief community. In that community you will find new friends. With them will come different attitudes about loss and grieving. Some will resonate with you; some won’t. You will also find a great support community, a community that will have compassion and empathy. They will validate and normalize many of the thoughts and feelings that might concern you and cause you to feel like you’re doing grief “wrong” or going “crazy.”
In this time of the pandemic, it is hard to avoid prolonged isolation… and it’s a good time to learn new skills. Reaching out can connect you with others experiencing the same feelings and thoughts, in a safe environment, where there are no judgments and there is trust.
The Zoom platform is a great way to connect with others and join groups that are of interest to you. Consider things that you used to do that brought you satisfaction and a passion for life, such as working, taking a class, gardening, book clubs, card games, meditation, therapy, knitting, art classes, learning the guitar or piano and so many more interests and/or things you once wished you could do.
Start your new chapter with small goals, ones that are reachable. Implement a plan to manage yourself, your family and, if it fits, some kind of meaningful work. Pamper yourself with manicures, pedicures and massages for your body and soul.
It’s important to create a sense of purpose. You may want to honor your loved one, do some charitable work, have a fundraiser or do some volunteer work. Giving back is a product of healing and at the same time healing is a product of giving back.
Loss is about your past, your present and your future. There just are no answers to the question about Why so best to stay in the Now and keep working on finding the changed You for your future.