The death of a parent is an emotionally difficult and universal experience. Although you may cognitively understand that the loss is inevitable, that doesn’t lessen the grief when your mother or father dies. It becomes a personal and complicated journey of grief. Nothing is ever the same again. It is a transformative event and your life changes forever.
Whether or not you were emotionally close with your parent, the relationship you had is a link to your history, as well as a link to your future. You carry their voice inside, some of the beliefs they taught you, the model of how they lived their lives. Your parent continues to be a part of you and that link becomes a way to create a continuing bond, a continued connection to your life as it moves forward.
How do you get through this emotional maze of grief? You may be looking for a script that says what the rules and guidelines are. But the fact is that there are no rules. You simply find yourself somewhat lost in this confusing changed life without their presence.
Living and grieving are individual and… such an improv. Unfortunately, there is no script. Neither your friends, family nor you may know how to feel or what to say. You may be surprised, even blindsided by the reactions and feelings you have.
Sara was a grief group member who had been very close with her dad. She was feeling his loss in so many areas of her daily life, especially as she was close to getting married. He wouldn’t be there for her wedding, nor for other changes to come over her lifetime. Sara didn’t want to have this pain. She wanted her dad. She was struggling and avoiding the feelings.
Her group members were supportive and shared their experiences. This helped Sara as she felt less alone and lost. She began to understand that she would always miss her dad. She would learn meaningful ways to honor him so that his presence could be felt. Sara was beginning to learn that grief needs attention and to be witnessed. Avoiding her feelings causes them to be held for later, and often grow larger when they show up. Unresolved grief can spiral you into anxiety and depression. Sara began to share feelings and stories about her dad and discovered ways that she would honor him.
Remember:
- Tell the story about your parent’s life. Telling stories that keep your parent’s memory alive is a crucial way of coping with your grief. Their memory lives on through those stories.
- Say their name out loud. Say their name out loud to others. Saying your parent’s name out loud honors them, the life they lived, what they meant and still mean to you. When you say your parent’s name and a story about them, you are also giving others permission to share their experience and stories of how they were touched by your parent.
- Honor your parents through memories and rituals. There are many ways to honor your parent. What did they care about? Could it be something you want to care about? If they were a pet lover, perhaps you may want to donate in their name to a shelter.
Did your parent have a passion about nature? You might consider planting a tree or some flowers, a garden, to honor their memory.
Give some thought to what you would like to do to honor your parent. If you have family or friends who want to be supportive but haven’t known quite what to do, reach out and ask them to join you in this honoring of your parent.
It’s important to have a safe place with people who will support you, to share these stories and talk about your parent. A grief support group allows you that safe place to share and honor.
With support, sharing and honoring your grief will become less intense. Grief is not about forgetting; it is about remembering in a healthy way. Trust that the link will always be there.