“Do what you can, with what you’ve got, where you are.” Squire Bill Widener (1913)
Grief has taught me many things over the last eight years. I have experienced the powerful shroud of loss, overlooked the tiny rays of sunshine bidding me to peek out, objected as I was forced to transform inside its lonely cocoon, fought the fears that come with being alone and ambivalently welcomed my own company. Along the way, I learned the importance of relying on the safety net that family, friends and community provide and strengthening valued friendships. I struggled with holding on to gratitude and maintaining faith in a meaningful future. Working on acceptance of my new reality, staying in the moment, forging a new identity and expanding interests were my constant homework. Even though my grief journey left me with a more weather-worn sense of self, by taking the pilgrimage with others I didn’t feel so alone in my experience. And by absorbing the collective wisdom of other grievers, I grew as a person and learned a great deal along the way.
Here are a few of the important lessons my grief teacher taught me:
Grief has a mind of its own. It sometimes comes when it wants to and doesn’t come when you want it to. It also may come in forms you may not expect. Accept whatever the grief experience is for you; everyone is different. Do not judge yourself or your feelings; they all make sense even if you don’t understand them. Grief teaches us to embrace all our feelings and emotions. It pushes us to new depths of experience and can help us develop more self-compassion and empathy.
Mourning requires slowing down: This is true especially in the beginning when you need to attend to your inner world. It’s hard to watch the world carry on while you need to stop. You need to heal so let it go on without you. It will be there when you feel ready to rejoin. The stress of external demands is made worse by internal demands to perform or to please others. That internal demand is sometimes harder to let go of than the request at hand. It’s OK to experiment a bit to discover what feels right to you and it may not be a linear re-entry. You may also need a break from the internal puddle. Grief teaches us to pay attention to our own needs, wants and desires, to express them more often and easily and to let go of guilt.
Healing from grief is a wholistic process: Loss creates stress on every level. It is vitally important to attend to your body, mind and spirit. Do whatever brings you solace. Nature can be a wonderful stress reducer. Moving your body can release tension. Eating nutritious foods and resting is restorative. Draw on your faith, and your faith community, whatever that may be. Grief teaches us to pay attention to our mind, body and spirit as a totality and to find balance.
Symbolic experiences can help heal: Any significant life change, like a profound loss, takes time to digest. Creative expression such as writing, painting or composing helps you work through hard-to-verbalize feelings and integrate them. Engaging with the arts by listening to music, going to the theater or watching movies are also ways of connecting emotionally to core parts of yourself and can be similarly helpful. Grief teaches us that sometimes emotional pain can’t be put into words but can be experienced and expressed in other meaningful ways. Rituals, because they have symbolic power, also facilitate integration.
Grief and loneliness are not the same: Friendship and companionship are major parts of any long-term relationship so losing them is profound. Over time you may notice less grief and more loneliness. In fact, as active mourning subsides, loneliness may become more of an ongoing challenge. Much depends on whether you are a person who enjoys solitude or whether you prefer companionship. Finding fulfilling ways to be with yourself and others may be a struggle, or it may come easily to you. Remember, you are lonely — not empty. Reach out to others. Even a brief encounter with a neighbor can shift the tone of a whole day. No matter how successful you are at creating a life full of connections to family and friends, or activities, there will always be moments or situations when that ache for your loved one will hit you. Grief teaches us about the nature of love and loss and to accept that our lives now include those moments.
Grief requires bravery: Certain life challenges can be more difficult when you are on your own and can make you fearful. Whether you face illness, injury, a medical procedure, family crisis or making major life decisions, it requires a great deal of courage to navigate alone. Even something exciting like travelling can become scary. There is no way around it. Call on those who can help you and don’t be timid about using professional resources. Grief teaches us we can do more than we think, but we may need to adjust expectations and we may need help.
Envisioning the future: Mourning the future you had envisioned for yourself, and your loved one, is called a secondary loss, but it feels primary. It might seem hard to imagine your life going forward so the future looks bleak or, at best, unknown. This is unsettling and creates existential angst. You may wonder, what will my future hold? The fact is that the future is aways unknowable, but as humans we like to think we have it figured out. Grief teaches us that the process of healing is full of opportunities to re-envision our lives, redefine what is important to us and expand our sense of identity. You are now the captain of your ship. Where do you want to go?
Grief becomes a friend: Over time, you might become fearful of letting go of grief. It may feel like a cherished companion you want to keep close. You may fear that losing those bittersweet feelings means that you will forget about your loved one, or that you will then feel devoid of all connection to him or her. This is a transitional phase. Grief teaches us we need do nothing about that; we only need to recognize and honor our feelings and fears. Be patient. There is no rush. And be reassured, you will never forget. Eventually, you will trust that your loved one lives on in your heart, along with gratitude for the love you had and for those who love you now.
Embrace the long learning curve. Life will continue to bring unexpected events, some difficult, some wonderful. That never changes. Grief transforms over time and the journey is not easy. But, if we can let our grief teacher show us the wisdom we are gathering along the way, we can continue to heal and grow in new and meaningful ways.