Grieving can bring us into the deepest, darkest places of our emotional existence. We can feel overwhelmed by regrets, despair, fury, hopelessness — an unending list of hurts while longing for even brief moments of comfort and slivers of joy. You may have thought of yourself as a kind person but don’t feel it now and notice how your inner distress is affecting your ability to treat others in ways that seem in line with the real you — the one you feel you have lost.
Embracing kindness in ways that are doable in the worst of times is balm for the grief you feel. Here’s an example as reported in a grief support group:
“It was the umpteenth phone call to the bank. My tone of voice was angry as I demanded my situation be resolved. I suddenly realized I was taking my feelings out on the innocent person trying to help. I apologized and explained that I was grieving the death of my husband and was overwhelmed. The voice on the other end became gentle and compassionate. We talked for a few moments about stress in both of our lives. When I hung up my issues were not completely resolved but I felt uplifted by our connection, as though enveloped in a soft warm blanket.”
Awareness of ways to increase our kindness in the face of deep grief takes intention and attention to opportunities that abound during our toughest times. Let’s look at just two ways of the myriad possibilities.
Little Things Mean A Lot
When grief is strong, it is hard to take on big projects to demonstrate kindness — ones that give us positive energy rather than drain our dwindling emotional resources. But you can do little things in day-to-day encounters: smiling at people at a store, bank, mall, gas station. Sometimes a smile leads to brief conversation that lifts up both of you. Expressing gratitude for doors being opened, someone reaching to hand you an item high on a grocery shelf, cheerful servers at a food stand or restaurant — there is an endless parade of those in our midst who help.
The other day at the grocery store I noticed a young man pushing a mop and thanked him. Tears came to his eyes as he told me it was the first time anyone ever noticed him.
Those little things are also for friends and family. It can be as simple as commenting on a new outfit, appreciation for favors and saying “I love you.” It can be a compassionate tone of voice or a hug,
Practice self-kindness
You may have heard the oft-quoted analogy of the flight attendant reminding passengers that in case of emergency to put on their own oxygen mask before helping anyone else. That is the basis of self-kindness. Extending the cup of kindness to ourselves is the root of our ability to be good to others. When deep in grief, kindness to self can be a major challenge. Blaming, comparing, having unreasonable expectations are all ways of self-inflicting pain in our attempts to feel some sense of control and avoid unbearable feelings.
It is not simple to change and be more self-compassionate and kind. It starts with acceptance of all you are experiencing. Remember you are not the only one feeling as you do and you are not alone. This is a period of adjustment and change. Lower expectations and do what you can to not overwhelm and pressure yourself. Let yourself feel all your emotions. Welcome your tears and fears.
A big act of self-kindness is to be a receiver. Let those people who offer to help do little or big things such as running errands, assisting with technology, leading you to resources, joining you for a walk, sharing a meal.
This is a good time to surround yourself with others who understand, whether it be family, friends, a therapist or a grief support group. If you have a pet, cuddle. Get a teddy bear. Buy yourself flowers. Read inspiring words. Watch media that lifts you. Take a nature walk. Engage in the arts to reach the soulful places where both grief and wonder dwell.
Letting our kind heart reach out to others and to ourselves is balm for our pain when life seems unbearable. It is a source of light in our darkest of times and a blessing we can give and receive in all times.