Loss can shake you to the core, disrupting your sense of safety, security and identity. Every fiber in your body becomes sensitized. You may feel raw, your nerve-endings exposed, like you’ve lost a layer of protective skin. The relentless eddy of feelings, fears and anxieties create confusion and may leave you exhausted. You crave rest but find it hard to find peace. It is no wonder that even small, ordinary tasks can seem insurmountable or that invitations to be with others, too daunting. These experiences in early grief leave you feeling vulnerable, fragile, needing lots of care. Unfortunately, the person who would normally soothe and comfort you during such a distressing time is not there to help you through. That’s what makes spouse or partner loss such a uniquely painful and difficult journey.
While grieving you may find yourself extra sensitive to those around you. Even people you may hear about on the news that you don’t personally know may affect you more than usual. When the psychological bubble of safety needed to function is pierced, your sense of fragility and vulnerability is heightened. Defenses are down, the safety bubble temporarily disabled. Feeling fragile does not mean you are broken, simply overwhelmed.
The process of grieving, known as mourning, is how you restore some sense of protection and normality. Your expectations of life have been severely disrupted, thrown into chaos. Mourning allows you to gradually make sense of what happened and restore some feelings of order and predictability in your life. It is a gradual and non-linear process. One moment you may feel motivated to engage with the world and the next like sitting alone with your grief. Neither one is better than the other as they both have value. When you allow yourself to feel and release the pain, you learn you can survive it. When you reach out and engage in activities you enjoy or try new things, you discover new strengths and capacities. This allows you to eventually integrate and accept the loss, something your mind, at first, wants to deny.
As Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. writes in his article The Teeter-Totter of Resilience and Vulnerability in Grief: “Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is just as important as cultivating resilience. Think of them as the two sides of a teeter-totter. You want the teeter-totter to balance sometimes, yes, but you also want it to go up and down. On some days you will need to open yourself to your naturally painful grief. The vulnerable side of the teeter-totter will tilt down. On other days you will marshal your resilience to help you navigate new challenges and approach life openly as it moves toward you. The resilient side of the teeter-totter will tilt down.”
Going through the ups and downs helps you slowly develop a thicker skin and feel more able to meet whatever comes your way; yet that sense of fragility may linger. As the intensity of early grief begins to soften, you might be met by a heightened sense of aloneness. This is normal but it may bring its own share of challenges, such as loneliness, feelings of isolation or fears about health and well-being, especially as you age. When you share your thoughts and feelings with others, not only does it help you through the mourning process but it builds bonds that are vital to your ongoing sense of well-being after you regain your footing. It also helps you see that what you are going through is exquisitely human, shifting the sense of fragility into greater relational sensitivity.
When feelings of fragility come up, take it as a signal that you need to handle yourself with care. Give your wants and needs priority over other obligations. Seek out experiences based on quality rather than quantity whether it is something as simple as taking a walk with a friend or just sitting in a garden. Foster friendships and family relationships and seek out new experiences. Giving a warm hug usually means getting a warm hug in return! Physical touch can be very grounding. It may also be helpful to remember that grieving and all that comes with it serves an evolutionary purpose. It is a process that generates repair of a deep attachment loss, pushing you to slow down, reflect, heal and keep growing. Reminding yourself of this may help you accept grief when it arises rather than push it away.
Although grief may initially leave you confused, disconnected and disoriented it can eventually open you up to greater empathy, caring and gratitude, along with an expanded capacity to connect to those around you. It may also encourage you to accept yourself with greater compassion and to care for yourself more mindfully — physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.