“Earth is perfectly placed in what astronomers call a star’s ‘Goldilocks zone’ where the sun isn’t too hot or too cold but just right. This advantageous distance has allowed life to flourish on Earth, with the sun bathing our planet in life-giving warmth…”
Watching coverage of the recent eclipse inspired my thinking about the grieving process. How do you heal from the loss of a relationship that provided life-giving warmth? How does the journey move from dark to light? Sometimes you can feel engulfed in grief, especially when the loss is recent. It may seem like there is no end to sitting in the Path of Totality (if only it would last for just four minutes and twenty-seven seconds!). But even when darkness shrouds your daily existence for months on end, you can find hope behind the eclipsed heart. It may only be momentary at first – a hug from a friend, a fond memory shared with a family member, a laugh at a favorite TV show, or a sense of pleasure at seeing a beautiful bird or flower in your garden. Over time those little moments play a vital role in restoring a sense of well-being. After my husband died, waking alone in the morning was hard for me, but when my little three-month-old puppy greeted me with her sweet kisses and wagging tail, I smiled. Even if I didn’t feel like it. It signaled my body that connection and happy feelings were possible. I was grateful for whatever slivers of sun I could catch – a momentary visit to the Goldilocks Zone where things are “just right.”
Deepak Chopra writes that we have many overlapping and interconnected Goldilocks Zones. Our bodies alone have several: staying within a consistent temperature range for example, having adequate nutrition, hydration, exercise, and rest. Our mental health suffers if we are grieving, depressed, anxious, or chronically stressed. Emotional, psychological and physiological stability are also impacted by community support, connection and bonding. “As complex as this picture is,” Chopra writes, “lifelong well-being seems to depend on something simple: Staying inside your Goldilocks Zones.”
As human beings we can regulate our own emotions, calm ourselves when we are anxious, for example, or motivate ourselves when we feel sluggish. The attachment bond created by an intimate relationship provides a mutual regulatory function too. Couples take care of one another on physical, psychological and emotional levels. One person may be able to soothe an upset partner or provide encouragement to one who is feeling down. When we are in danger or feel fear, we seek proximity with our loved ones to find safety. The intertwining of our well-being is evolutionarily hardwired into us for survival. Some couples provide this mutual caretaking better than others (and no marriage or partnership is perfect). Regardless, this essential function creates its own Goldilocks Zone.
Losing the equilibrium your love bond provided is one of the hardest aspects of grief. It is like playing tug of war with your opponent who suddenly lets go of the rope. You will lose your balance, and your internal sense of self will be thrown into a state of confusion. It can feel overwhelming. When that happens, you are faced with fundamental challenges to your ability to self-regulate that you then need to solve. Your loved one is no longer there to help you through it. Grieving your beloved also means grieving the loss of your Goldilocks Zone where you felt stable. Where things were “just right.”
With self-care and the help of others — family, friends, neighbors, community — you can regain your footing, but it may not feel as solid. That is because grief changes the way you internalize experience. Sensitivities may be magnified, or you may find yourself struggling with ambivalent and contradictory feelings. For example, spending time with others may feel like too much, and not enough. You may have a great time with your family, but dread going home to an empty house. You yearn for the sense of belonging but also want to be left alone. Eventually letting someone new into your life seems like a possible solution, but forging a new relationship turns out to be harder than expected. Choosing to be alone gives you freedom but also opens the door to loneliness. You may then wish you were never in this position to begin with and feel angry. Just like the hungry and tired Goldilocks, who stumbles into the cabin of the three bears and finds the porridge too hot or too cold, or the beds too hard or too soft, things are just not quite right.
To heal you must become an active participant in your own grief journey. When the loss is new and raw, you may only be able to receive whatever love and care is brought to you. You may not even feel willing, your soul harboring deep objections to your situation. But that’s OK. Receive it anyway as receiving is active. So is reaching out for hugs and connection or sharing thoughts and feelings with others.
Losing the stability of your partnership puts stress on you as an individual but can also force growth. With time, finding new meaning and purpose in your life will help you re-balance — whether it’s spiritual growth, creative expression, or simply finding joy in new hobbies or activities. With enough sunshine, your focus will shift from your grief journey to your life journey. Acknowledge the great courage, strength, vulnerability and self-compassion you had to muster (and continue to muster,) to survive such a painful loss. Over time your growing inner light can help counteract the darkness, helping to create new Goldilocks Zones.
My dog is now six years old. I still love her kisses and wagging tail in the mornings. But now I am a different and more willing participant. My sense of self has changed and continues to change. I still miss my husband but recognize that, while the eclipse is over, and I am no longer in active mourning (the outward expression of grief), my internal state needs constant and continuing care. Tending to it provides the life-giving warmth that makes things feel better.