Restorative: “Having the ability to restore health, strength or a feeling of well-being.”
Those of us who have lost a spouse or partner know how difficult the holidays can be. Celebrating at a family meal with an absent partner, or attending a party alone, may be particularly difficult. These special events, most often shared with your loved one over many years, can trigger deep grief. Perhaps your partner or spouse was the one who enjoyed hosting the party, who made it a special annual tradition that friends, family, and neighbors loved to attend. Now the quiet looms in front of you and the realization that it will never be the same, hits like a ton of bricks. It will never be the same. If you are lucky, you find joyful moments when surrounded by those who love and care about you. Your family or friends fill the some of the void, share the loss with you, take up the mantle or make sure you are included in special activities.
But what about the New Year? We’ve all heard the phrase, “Ring in the New Year” but now you don’t feel quite so cheerful. In fact, you may feel more like you are dreading it. After all, you are now reminded that you will face another year alone. So, instead of ringing it in, it feels more like you are grieving it in. But done mindfully, welcoming the New Year can be restorative.
Research shows that those who are most resilient after a trauma or loss, are those who ultimately learn something new and meaningful about themselves during the healing process. Your sense of identity, so disrupted by losing your closest attachment bond, may seem elusive at first. You may feel swept along by a tidal wave of change, and you are fighting just to stay above water. Although you are surviving, the loss of control can create constant anxiety. “Who am I now?” or “I just want to get back to who I was,” are phrases I often hear from grieving clients. They are yearning to feel at peace with themselves, to feel safe and be able to relax and enjoy life again. Isn’t that what we all want – to feel restored at a time of feeling most depleted?
It is hard to accept the realization that you can’t go back. Coming to terms with that is part of the grieving process. As The poet Heraclitus said, “No man can step into the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he is not the same man.” This experience is particularly vivid after a loss. That early phase of grief requires you to retreat internally and swim in the sadness. You are actively mourning. it is important to accept the experience of feeling lost and allow others to care for you as much as possible. But over the subsequent months and years, grief creates opportunities for growth and healing. The pain and feelings of isolation may push you to develop new and meaningful interests and discover strengths you never realized you had, including a stronger relationship with yourself. By doing new things, new ways of being can germinate.
A common ritual when greeting the New Year is taking stock of the past year. Doing so may help you see ways in which you have already changed or grown that you might not have recognized. Think about the many grief challenges you overcame, the tasks you mastered.
Just taking care of administrative chores related to a loss is an accomplishment. Maybe you made new friends, started a new class, learned to take on some of the jobs your partner or spouse once did. Perhaps you feel more competent in certain areas than you did before? Maybe you discovered you needed others more than you thought and allowed yourself to reach out and get help for the first time? While taking inventory of the past year, you may discover new aspects of yourself that have gone unnoticed.
Setting intentions for the New Year is a way of creating more possibilities for yourself in the future. Perhaps there are things you would like to accomplish, or experiences you would like to have? I always loved going to the theater but would hesitate at the high cost of tickets. A while after my husband died, I decided to spend more on doing just that. Why deprive myself further by ignoring something that was important to me? I soon noticed that I was allowing myself to enjoy more of life in general. I took some short road trips to visit friends and found I didn’t need to be so worried about travelling alone and started to feel more adventurous. Enrolling in a writing class (something I always wanted to do but rarely made time for) pushed me to write more frequently. It became a great source of pleasure and allowed me to develop the creative side of my personality that I had previously minimized. A new sense of self was slowly evolving amidst the rubble of grief and loss. The dreaded loneliness, so much a part of grief, began to gradually include times when I enjoyed the freedom of being alone.
Make the New Year about discovering and expressing who you are. What would make life more meaningful to you? Here are some ways you can cultivate your own journey. Find a quiet place to sit and reflect about the past year. Writing your thoughts down can help you see them in a more comprehensive way. Here are a few prompts to help you get started:
- What challenges have you faced and dealt with this past year?
- What have you learned to do that you didn’t know you could do?
- What have you discovered about yourself through this whole experience?
- Think about some intentions for the New Year:
- What are some things you would like to do or accomplish next year?
- How might those things add to your experience of life?
- Are there parts of yourself you would like to develop?
It is not only what you are doing that matters but who you are becoming in the process. Do more of what you love, take risks – no matter how small. Appreciate what you have been through and learn from your experiences. Pay attention to yourself and let your feelings guide you forward. By doing so you can restore a sense of well-being and gradually remodel a meaningful life.