“Though we would like to live without regrets, and sometimes proudly insist that we have none, this is not really possible, if only because we are mortal.” — James Baldwin
Memories are powerful and can be simply thought of as reflective nostalgia. Or they can turn into something much more, with the potential to trigger an overwhelming feeling of regret.
When someone you love dies, it’s normal to focus on some guilt or perhaps some regret which then boils to the surface without warning.
Take these examples drawn from HOPE group members’ recollections and their accompanying regret.
- Betty talked about how she should have known her husband Jim was sick and needed to be taken to the ER. Jim said, “Not to worry, I’ll be fine in the morning.” He wasn’t fine, and now Betty’s stress level was high and she was living with the fact that she’d done nothing that night. There was no opportunity to make it different. She wondered and wondered, thinking, Jim could still be here if only.
- John opened up about all that he hadn’t said to Mary and was living with the reality that it was too late. He loved her deeply and felt so much was left unsaid. Now there was no opportunity to say, “I’m sorry,” or “I love you.”
- Margaret was in the Parent Loss group. When her mother died she admitted that their relationship was complicated. They argued and Margaret thought her mother was being too harsh. Now she was grieving and missed her mother so much. She just wanted to talk to her one more time and tell her that she appreciated all she said. She knew her mother said what she did because she loved her.
What if and if only can weigh heavily. Maybe you’ve had some of these same thoughts. Maybe you also thought you were responsible and “should have known.”
And what about those shoulds? I should have done more. I should have done something sooner. Do you have a case of the should haves? Self-blame, guilt, frustration and disappointment are natural and can be a common part of grief. It’s only human to search for an explanation, to look at what you did or didn’t do, and to dwell on what if and should have. Those all fall under the umbrella of regret. Sometimes we act as if we could control the randomness of someone’s existence.
There are so many forks in the road, and so many choices. How can we possibly take the right turn every single time, make the right choice without fail, always get the result we wanted or hoped for? Sometimes there truly are wrong turns but that’s not necessarily a reflection of a bad decision. The choices made are about what you knew in the moment, and chose to do with loving intention.
There are some ways that you can soften and possibly rise above your regrets.
- Recognize and tell yourself what you learned. Regret can be a powerful teacher and inspire true growth.
- Be your own best friend. Imagine what you would say to a friend who was in your situation and say those words to yourself.
- Let yourself know that memories can give a sense of continuity and history, if you allow for accepting the memories for what they are — neither good nor bad unless you label them that way.
- Self-forgiveness. Allow yourself to know that you did your best and your intentions were honorable and loving.
- Write your loved one a note, then shred it. As you shred it, imagine completely letting go of the regret.
- Write yourself a letter from your loved one. What would your loved one say to you about your regrets and guilt?
- Talk about your feelings of regret and guilt in your HOPE Connection support group.
- Remind yourself that emotional scars can heal through the normal process of grieving.
Most of all: Remember the good things you did in your relationship with your loved one. Focus on the positive aspects: What you learned from them, and what you did together that brought you joy and laughter.