“Raindrops on Roses and whiskers on kittens.
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens.”
You probably recognize those song lyrics from Sound Of Music. It is easy to dismiss that song as a bit of tuneful fluff with charming images. Another way of viewing it is as a gem of musical wisdom on how to survive the tough times of life.
Struggling with regret after a loss is an aspect of grief that many people experience. Take Eliot, for example (not his real name). Reflecting on his state of mind after his wife died, he said, “I have so much regret. I can’t stop thinking about it.” He was tormented by feelings of remorse and guilt. It had been over a year since his wife died, and his regrets had never abated. His wife had been ill for several years and, with help from caregivers, he took care of her. “I wasn’t present enough for my wife,” was one of his laments. “And sometimes, when I got frustrated, I wasn’t always nice. On the final night I left the room for a while, and she died. She must have wanted me there, and I wasn’t.”
It’s a common question: What is life like after two years of grief?
This question is similar to questions you might have asked earlier. What happens during the first year? What happens after one year of grief? What happens during the second year? These are markers of time, yet grief does not always know what time it is.
Stories have always been part of our lives. There are the fairy tales from childhood with so many different versions. People of all ages have sat around a campfire sharing stories. We listen to the news easily overwhelmed by “spin” as we try to make sense of endless commentary.
We are story tellers with a running dialogue about what happened, how we are doing and our concerns for the future. Our stories become part of our ongoing self-talk that impacts the quality of our lives. Notice the ways you relate to any of the following themes following a death of a partner. Notice the quotes from others who have gone through a deep loss.
Lynne Goldklang is a psychotherapist, writer and a grateful member of a HOPE bereavement group.
“I don’t think of all the misery but of all the beauty that remains.” — Anne Frank
Lynne Goldklang’s article, The Transformative Power Of Collateral Beauty, originally appeared one year ago. In light of the terrible fires plaguing the greater Los Angeles area, we invite you to reread her article with fresh eyes. Discovering collateral beauty has the power to soothe aching souls already dealing with grief of their own. — HOPE Connection
Many of you reading this may not only be grieving the death of a beloved person but in emotional pain if you live in Los Angeles or nearby communities where the wildfires have left death, destruction and tremendous loss. The situation is horrendous. Yet as you watch the news, there will also be stories of incredible deeds as well as mini miracles: the man who found his wedding ring in the rubble of his destroyed house, neighbors helping neighbors to evacuate, so many opening up homes to those who need a place to stay, the teen whose house was destroyed who collected needed supplies for others from all over the country, the animal rescue facility comforting and treating injured animals — hundreds of sacred acts of goodness and love.
This is the story of how I first came to appreciate the power and healing nature of these sacred acts.
Change is hard. For anybody. Especially someone who has been presented with life’s biggest change, the death of their significant other. As time passes, the griever is left to endure life’s challenges… with paperwork, figuring out day-to-day tasks, taking on more responsibilities and no longer having a partner to share them with. Changing a light bulb, paying taxes, doing laundry or other shared tasks, now all fall on you. Change is hard, so now what?
There is no right or wrong way to deal with the loss of a loved one. The grieving process is not only unique for each individual — it’s just plain tough. Primarily, you have to deal with the death of your loved one. But secondarily you have to cope with change. That doesn’t happen overnight. Your journey through grief takes time, the…
Time can seem to pass in the blink of an eye. Here it is, minute by minute, day by day… almost 2025! The problem is that this year, it’s very, very different because your loved one is no longer here to celebrate with you. The holidays feel lonely without them. It’s all changed. We’re told that the holidays are about cheer and connection, right? Oh boy, when you’re grieving and sad, you may not feel very cheerful or connected. You may just feel like hiding until the holidays are over. Just let them be over! Can you do that? Can you just hide away? You may struggle with that idea because friends and family are reaching out and inviting you to join them. They don’t want you to be alone… although wanting to be alone might be exactly how you feel.
It is often said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. If this is true, then perhaps words can be the companion that sits by that window. Words allow feelings to express the sorrow of the grieving heart.
The holidays are too often a painful reminder of your changed life and the death of your loved one. They may force you to realize how much your life has changed. Holidays certainly may not feel festive — they may feel more like a spotlight painfully illuminating your sense of emptiness, aloneness and broken heart. How can you move from hiding or…