In this context, the term uncoupling can be applied to anyone who has had a deep, meaningful relationship with a significant someone who has been a source of support and shared an enduring special connection — and lost them through death. This includes spouses, partners, close parent-and-child relationships, siblings (especially twins), cousins and best friends.
Imagine losing your partner who was an irreplaceable part of your daily life, leaving a vast and hollow void, immense disbelief, shock and immobilizing numbness. Imagine the indescribable pain of losing your special someone as your world starts to crumble around you; and the dawning awareness that you are abruptly cut off from the distinct timbre of your loved one’s voice, their comforting touch, their familiar scent, their dazzling smile and their melodic laughter… never to have that in real time ever again.
How can anyone who hasn’t lost a loved one ever fully grasp the understanding of what it truly feels like to suddenly be the one left behind — alone — alone in a way never experienced before; left alone by the only one who loved you in the way no one else has? How does one stop being a couple, part of a dynamic duo, especially not by choice? How on earth does one resume walking with their left foot when their right foot no longer exists? You may ask questions like — Why did this have to happen? Who is going to want me? Who is going to love me? Who is going to be there for me?
The uncoupling identity dilemma is having to face a huge unwanted question: Who am I without my spouse or partner? Many people don’t want to even ask the question, much less answer it. There are subsequent self-inquiries such as, “Do I choose to shut down, ignore the inevitable and hope I wake up from this horrific nightmare? Why can’t I just deny what has happened? Do I make a conscious decision to face whatever confronts me?”
There was once a partner to bounce things off on, especially thoughts and opinions on various matters from the mundane to the most critical. Not having that partner affects the “me” in ways unimagined, such as sorely missing how attuned he or she was in steering the direction of conversation that elicited the choices to be made. There was implicit trust in that judgment that guided those decisions, decisions that hinged on a point of reference that has virtually disappeared. Perhaps those decisions never had to be made alone before. “My spouse always had my back. Who will I have now? How will I ever manage? Where do I even begin? I used to be the other half of a partnership!” Before, there was a “we” against the world. Now, the undeniable reality is that “we” has now become “me.”
An important milestone in uncoupling is when all the noises in your head slowly taper down and you begin to hear your own voice emerging, strong, loud and powerful. You are the CEO, CFO and COO of what’s left of this joint venture. Yes, you now have all the responsibility, but you also have all the power and authority to merge back into life again. It most certainly won’t be the same, just different. Moving through grief is being able to reclaim your control and not make decisions by default.
Initially, there will be options to choose from, but none of them will be what you want. Ultimately however, you will make an active choice, to go from “we” to “Me.”