It’s an interesting conundrum to consider feeling your grief when that’s the very last feeling you want.  It’s those feelings that make the loss of your loved one feel too real. So, for some, the answer is — just be busy, thinking, maybe if I don’t give those feelings my attention, I won’t have to feel them.  

What happens then? Grief feelings not acknowledged do not go away; they may hide for a while, sometimes even a long time. But grief is still there and will eventually show up when least expected.

The story of how Scrooge became Scrooge may shed some light on what happens when feelings are pushed aside for too long.

The silence of a falling star
Lights up a purple sky
And as I wonder where you are
I’m so lonesome I could cry.
— Hank Williams Sr.

You are probably not surprised by loneliness following the death of your loved one — your dearest one in the world. Missing the person, their nearness, habits, loving ways or even not-so-loving ways, how they look, feel, sound, the touch of their skin, the illusion of never-ending days together.

Jill Smolowe, an author who has written about her own experience with grieving, reflected on what pain meant to her following the death of four of her loved ones in quick succession when she was in her thirties. In her article, The Value of Sitting With Your Pain, she says, “While grappling with that pile-on of losses, I discovered that something a therapist had told me years earlier was true: my pain would be more tolerable if I could ‘just sit with it.’ “  

“Earth is perfectly placed in what astronomers call a star’s ‘Goldilocks zone’ where the sun isn’t too hot or too cold but just right. This advantageous distance has allowed life to flourish on Earth, with the sun bathing our planet in life-giving warmth…”