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Grief (Page 2)

My Grief Teacher

“Do what you can, with what you’ve got, where you are.” Squire Bill Widener (1913)

Grief has taught me many things over the last eight years. I have experienced the powerful shroud of loss, overlooked the tiny rays of sunshine bidding me to peek out, objected as I was forced to transform inside its lonely cocoon, fought the fears that come with being alone and ambivalently welcomed my own company. Along the way, I learned the importance of relying on the safety net that family, friends and community provide and strengthening valued friendships. I struggled with holding on to gratitude and maintaining faith in a meaningful future. Working on acceptance of my new reality, staying in the moment, forging a new identity and expanding interests were my constant homework. Even though my grief journey left me with a more weather-worn sense of self, by taking the pilgrimage with others I didn’t feel so alone in my experience. And by absorbing the collective wisdom of other grievers, I grew as a person and learned a great deal along the way.

Transcending Grief Through Self Care, Self Compassion & Self Love

When you’re living your life, you go about your normal routine as usual. Then when someone you love dies, surviving grief can feel like you’ve been transported onto a Ferris wheel in the middle of a lake. When you’re up high, you feel like you’re on top of things and have some measure of control. As you descend, your view and perspective changes. So do your emotions and your coping strategies. As you gain momentum plunging downward, you can feel an unraveling dread and a rise in panic. Suddenly, you’re totally submerged  in deep water, much longer than you care to be, struggling for your very breath. Then the realization hits you. You’re drowning and you don’t know what to do. You don’t even know how to breathe anymore… You are at a total loss.

Living With Grief: What’s The DIF?

Evelyn Pechter is a HOPE therapist and Licensed Psychologist. Dr. Pechter has private practice offices in West Los Angeles and Woodland Hills, where she specializes in adult life changes including grief/loss.

“Wherever you are right now on your journey — whether your loved one died two weeks ago, two years ago, or even 20 years ago, it helps to understand the process from beginning to the not-so-clear end. As Glenda the Good Witch of the North told Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz before she set out for Emerald City, “It’s always best to start at the beginning.” So it is with most things; so it is with grief.

— Ashley Davis Bush: Transcending Loss

It is best to start at the beginning, but what often happens is that people want to avoid the painful aspects of grief; it’s too terrifying. So, they rush right ahead, telling others — and themselves — that “Everything’s just fine. I’m okay. I’m adjusting just fine.” They attempt to skip to the end before they’ve gone through the process.

Who Am I Now?

When you’re a couple, your personalities blend over time. You take on a little of each other. You understand how the other thinks, and sometimes you can even find yourself finishing the other’s sentences. This is a natural occurrence. It happens over time, and it is a beautiful thing. It works. It’s the lovely part of a relationship; I refer to it as being comfortable with each other.

When We Become Me: The Uncoupling Dilemma

In this context, the term uncoupling can be applied to anyone who has had a deep, meaningful relationship with a significant someone who has been a source of support and shared an enduring special connection — and lost them through death. This includes spouses, partners, close parent-and-child relationships, siblings (especially twins), cousins and best friends.      

A Different Grief – A Man’s Grief

Everyone goes through a natural grieving process when a death occurs. We each behave and express feelings according to the way we’ve been taught and as modeled by our society, our culture, our family, our peers and other influences. A belief system is created that affects the way that we perceive life, death and grief.

Organic Traces

We recently held a group in a member’s home. As we were all saying our goodbyes she asked me to come with her. She took me to her deceased husband’s closet, fully intact, smelling like his aftershave and the essence of his physical being. I could sense him. Although I never knew him in person, I felt closer, like I had just met…

Food For Thought: Solitude, Alone and Lonely

Appreciating solitude, being alone and feeling lonely are all related experiences that individuals who are grieving are familiar with. They are, figuratively speaking, places that you might visit frequently — or run away from because they’re so uncomfortable. “I’ll just stay busy. That way, I won’t have to feel alone or be lonely.” Unfortunately, that strategy just doesn’t work. Grief and the…

Seasons of Change

To everything, there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.
A time to be born, a time to die. A time to plant, a time to reap.
A time to kill, a time to heal. A time to laugh, a time to weep.
A time to build up, a time to break down. A time to dance, a time to mourn.
A time to cast away stones. A time to gather stones together.
A time of love, a time of hate. A time of war, a time of peace.
A time you may embrace. A time to refrain from embracing.
A time to gain, a time to lose. A time to rend, a time to sew.
A time of love, a time of hate. A time of peace, I swear it’s not too late.

— Turn, Turn, Turn by Pete Seeger, based upon the book of Ecclesiastes

There is so much truth in these lyrics. The process of grieving, with all its ups and downs, mirrors the seasons. There is the darkness of winter grief, with tears in the night, then smiles as the warm summer sun brings the light and recollection of joyful times remembered. 

Little Things Mean A Lot

“Raindrops on Roses and whiskers on kittens.
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens.”

You probably recognize those song lyrics from Sound Of Music. It is easy to dismiss that song as a bit of tuneful fluff with charming images. Another way of viewing it is as a gem of musical wisdom on how to survive the tough times of life.