When we are experiencing deep grief, our relationship with ourselves would ideally be gentle, kind, accepting. Yet that is often not the case as we bombard ourselves with expectations, overload, regrets, guilt and even shame. The presence of a negative inner companion can be our reality during times of trauma and sorrow.
(818) 788-HOPE (4673)
Grief Support Groups Serving West Los Angeles, Encino and Agoura Hills
Grief Support Groups Serving West Los Angeles, Encino and Agoura Hills
Grief
Loss can shake you to the core, disrupting your sense of safety, security and identity. Every fiber in your body becomes sensitized. You may feel raw, your nerve-endings exposed, like you’ve lost a layer of protective skin. The relentless eddy of feelings, fears and anxieties create confusion and may leave you exhausted. You crave rest but find it hard to find peace. It is no wonder that even small, ordinary tasks can seem insurmountable or that invitations to be with others, too daunting. These experiences in early grief leave you feeling vulnerable, fragile, needing lots of care. Unfortunately, the person who would normally soothe and comfort you during such a distressing time is not there to help you through. That’s what makes spouse or partner loss such a uniquely painful and difficult journey.
There is so much wisdom found in the process of grieving… even if we don’t know or feel it at the time. In grieving, we grow, like it or not. You change when you attend to your grief… because just about everything changes when your spouse dies.
Often, we talk about how difficult it is to grieve the loss of a spouse. There are so many layers and so many new things to learn and do. It can be exhausting and overwhelming. Sometimes it’s hard to face the reality and just keep walking. Sleep sometimes seems like a comforting solitude and escape… but it is so temporary because your grief is there when you wake up. It waits.
Spring is finally here! Winter felt like forever this year. Now, we’re watching the miracle of Nature as life slowly comes back to our landscapes that were changed by the harshness of Winter and natural disasters. The charred California mountains are now filled with beautiful colors of blue lupine, orange poppies and the golden mustard plant. Do you feel it? The colorful…
“I was taught to bury with the dead the presence of my grief…
But when a shattered heart is desperate, the only respite is to let somebody in.”
— From “Home” by Sara Bareilles
A HOPE Connection grief group is certainly the place where grief is shared. Our loved ones are honored over and over as members say, Tell me your story. I’ll tell you mine.
It is the sacred place of sharing grief and fond memories and letting someone else in.
Viktor Frankl, psychologist, author and Holocaust survivor, coined the term “tragic optimism” as the ability to sustain hopefulness despite the unavoidable trials and tribulations of being human. This is not just a happy face that you put on. It’s a way of seeing purpose in grief, a way of embracing the highs and lows of full humanity.
Imagine you owned a beautiful home where you found peace and contentment living there for many years. Suddenly, one day without warning or provocation, you found yourself with an uninvited and unwanted inhabitant invading the premises.
When someone we love dies, the brain becomes a house where grief takes over and sets up residence. It can feel as though our well-used furniture has been rearranged in the dark. We reach for a light switch, but it is no longer there, and we trip over the enormous emptiness left behind. This isn’t just sadness; it is a biological crisis where the mind struggles to map out a world that no longer contains a vital piece of its landscape.
There are many types of parent child relationships ranging from the most loving and supportive to the most troubled and conflicted. For the sake of this conversation, let’s start with the most loving relationship. Let’s say you have a son or daughter who couldn’t be more loving, understanding and supportive. They visit you, call and check on you regularly, they meet many of your needs, take you to your doctors’ appointments, make sure you eat, take your meds, take you on outings and see your grandchildren, family and friends, etc. They want to take extra special care of you because they don’t want any harm to come to you. They cannot even tolerate the thought of you dying on their watch.
Your body carries so much when you are grieving. Remember, grief is in your body, in your neuro-chemistry. Pay attention to it instead of pushing it away or ignoring it. The Loving-Kindness for the Body Meditation by Trudy Goodman, a renowned Buddhist meditation teacher and Harvard-trained psychotherapist, may guide you. Trudy’s practice is also great to do in bed upon waking, right…
The yearly calendar begins with January marking the days of our lives. Our journey through grief can be described in seasons. Understanding our seasons of grief can help us endure unbearable loss with self-compassion and strength.
“Every season is one of becoming, but not always one of blooming. Be gracious with your ever-evolving self.” — B. Oakman
Winter represents a beginning season of grief and offers ways to cope. When death takes your beloved, you may be plunged into darkness, despair — your world becomes barren and lonely. The winter of grief is about survival — focus on basic needs. It is a time to take exquisite care of yourself even though you may feel alienated from the you of today as you yearn for yesterday.
What do most people really know about grief… or how to grieve? Most people know very little. In our society, we most often shy away from the issue of death and most often don’t talk about the horrible pain that we feel when we grieve. We stuff it down, put on a “good face” and act like we’re okay. Inside, we feel confused, frightened, anxious and in emotional pain. The other option that happens is that people shut down, hide away and suffer in silence and aloneness. Neither of these options work very well. They just put grief on hold and cause more suffering.