We recently held a group in a member’s home. As we were all saying our goodbyes she asked me to come with her. She took me to her deceased husband’s closet, fully intact, smelling like his aftershave and the essence of his physical being. I could sense him. Although I never knew him in person, I felt closer, like I had just met him. It was comforting for both of us and a sacred moment of connection that I will never forget.
Remember the song, Traces? The first stanza begins with these words:
Faded photograph
Covered now with lines and creases
Tickets torn in half
Memories in bits and pieces.
Although that song is not about a deceased loved one, it expresses feelings of grief and loss… and what those remaining traces mean in our grief. It says so much about the traces left when a loved one is gone.
Organic traces of our loved ones help us to grieve and to continue a bond while we heal.
When a loved one dies, it can feel so sudden. Even after a long illness, when death happens, it can feel sudden.
In your shock and grieving, you may begin to search for organic traces, some remaining pieces of their physical being that you can hold on to for a while or maybe for a long time. What does that mean? Some examples of organic traces left by your loved one’s physical presence might be:
- Handwriting, found in recipes, cards, letters, notes or a diary
- Photos, recalling memories both recent and distant
- Videos, allowing you to see their past physical presence on a screen
- Voicemail, perhaps ending with an I love you, but always bringing their voice to life again
- Smell, found in anything from clothes to a favorite perfume, powerfully connecting memory and emotion for reasons related to deep-seated brain function
- Touch, memories called up by the tactile sensation of wearing their clothing and feeling them around you
- A familiar face, a sibling, perhaps, who strongly resembles them
All of these organic traces can make you feel like their physical being remains with you for a while longer. It can be both startling and comforting at the same time to see handwriting or something that evokes a feeling and a memory. Some grievers welcome the traces that comfort them and help them feel connected. Other people hide the traces, avoid them and even fear them because they overwhelm them with raw emotions and grief.
Grief is messy and can be surprising. Go slow and honor your process. Only you know when you’re ready to embrace organic traces. Remember, you shared your love when you both were in each other’s physical presence — you can now still experience that same love in their absence. It may help to remember a time when they were alive but absent – you didn’t stop loving them when they were in another city or even another country. Call up that state of mind, perhaps wistfully longing for them to return but loving them nevertheless. Love doesn’t die when their physical presence does, even when they have left this physical world.
The traces remind you. The traces connect you. The traces help you to grieve and to heal.
Go slowly and remember that the traces may help you to feel connected while you heal and adjust to the physical separation.
Loving doesn’t go away when a loved one dies. It remains in our bodies, our hearts and our memories. The traces remind us of their life here and of your connection and love.