Stories have always been part of our lives. There are the fairy tales from childhood with so many different versions. People of all ages have sat around a campfire sharing stories. We listen to the news easily overwhelmed by “spin” as we try to make sense of endless commentary.
We are story tellers with a running dialogue about what happened, how we are doing and our concerns for the future. Our stories become part of our ongoing self-talk that impacts the quality of our lives. Notice the ways you relate to any of the following themes following a death of a partner. Notice the quotes from others who have gone through a deep loss.
Guilt and Regret Stories
- “Why didn’t I insist she get her yearly checkup?”
- “I went to grab a quick sandwich and was out of his hospital room when he died.”
- “We had an argument and didn’t kiss goodbye the morning of the car accident.”
- “We never took the trip to Paris that she longed for.”
The list can be endless and cause emotional pain beyond the sorrow of loss. It is understandable that we have these thoughts, especially in the early months of grieving. If we can find someone to blame, especially ourselves, then life doesn’t seem so senseless and out of control. It also keeps us from fully experiencing our sadness if we get lost in stories of blame and regret.
Fear Stories
Our fear stories are often disguised as doubts about our competence to live without our partner. These stories can often reflect pessimism about the future as we assume that what we experience in the early days of our grief will be forever.
- “I will never be the fun person I used to be with my wife at my side.”
- “I can’t imagine dating or going to singles events of any kind.”
- “My partner was the technician in the family (or gardener, cook, travel planner, shopper, etc.) and I can’t do those things.”
- “I can’t travel without my spouse.”
When we are mired with doubts about our ability to do new things fear can overtake us as we are filled with anxiety over unwanted changes.
Comparisons
We also tell stories of how we are doing especially in comparison with others. We walk out of the house looking somewhat put together, color coordinated; no one can see our insides. We encounter others who are going through their own loses who are smiling and seem to be thriving. We base our perspectives of them on how they seem on the outside while judging ourselves by our insides.
- “I meet people who are doing so much better than I am.”
- “My neighbor who is a widow is learning a new language and is taking cooking lessons.”
- “So many of my friends who lost a spouse are going online to meet people but never me.”
Stories of Faith, Spiritual Beliefs, Self-Compassion and Encouragement
Religious grievers and those with connection to a higher power will often feel what happened is God’s will, the person’s journey. The stories become beacons of comfort.
- “It was meant to be.”
- “I did the best I could do at the time and still am now.”
- “I am gentle and kind to myself.”
How do you relate to these various inner stories? What would you want to add from your grief journey in the past and right now?
There are so many themes in the self-talk that become the stories of our lives. Our stories change and evolve over time. The direction of the stories in our head can lead us toward surviving or thriving depending on our choices. Let’s examine a few effective ways to thrive and create stories that lift us, help us with the pain of grief.
Here are a few ways to consider:
Start by noticing the stories you carry around inside. Notice without judgment. Notice to understand. Noticing is a beginning to changing anything that is causing you emotional pain. If you notice you may be surprised to find that your stories contain the whole of range of self-talk from the bitter to sweet and everything in-between.
Examine your belief systems — religious, spiritual, philosophical. Perhaps you may be turning to faith connections to bring you comfort. You might seek inner calm messages through meditation, reading, podcasts, nature, even connections with your loved ones after death.
Notice inner themes that keep you stressed or depressed. Just as important, notice when your inner story dialogue is encouraging and loving.
Our stories are somewhat like a television set with unlimited channels. When we come to something we don’t like we can change the channel to something more satisfying. “Changing the channel” is a helpful metaphor when our inside self-talk is more like self-torture.
Avoid comparing yourself to others. You will feel alone when you see others as superior or inferior rather than part of the human community. Getting rid of comparisons will lighten your emotional load. You can feel happiness when good things happen to others rather than only when your life is going well. You can feel compassion for others during tough times and take in empathy from others when you are suffering. Comparison is a major cause of stories that get us down.
Find your people. Don’t go it alone. People have always shared stories, from the days of the oral tradition of folk tales to the variety of social media connections in the technology of today. The death of a beloved partner or other family member may leave you feeling alone whether or not you are physically living alone. Your stories can bring you pain when bottled up inside with no outlet. We are social animals and need to find the people who understand, witness, empathize and engage in the give and take of our fragile stories. Joining a grief support group has been proven to be a source of major benefit mentally, physically and emotionally. Let support from others be part of your path of thriving.
Be committed to kindness to your vulnerable self. Let that be the story that populates your life.
It is the middle of our winter, February ebbing and March ascending — months with long nights and short days that can be cold and gloomy. It is no coincidence that it is also the month of our sweetest most loving holiday — Valentine’s Day. Let this time of darkness be a reminder of the light that we ignite when we embrace our stores of connection and self-love.