Struggling with regret after a loss is an aspect of grief that many people experience. Take Eliot, for example (not his real name). Reflecting on his state of mind after his wife died, he said, “I have so much regret. I can’t stop thinking about it.” He was tormented by feelings of remorse and guilt. It had been over a year since his wife died, and his regrets had never abated. His wife had been ill for several years and, with help from caregivers, he took care of her. “I wasn’t present enough for my wife,” was one of his laments. “And sometimes, when I got frustrated, I wasn’t always nice. On the final night I left the room for a while, and she died. She must have wanted me there, and I wasn’t.”
Eliot believed he had let his wife down. In fact, he had been there a great deal for his wife. But, in his grief, he lost sight of that. It was important for him to know that no matter how much he did, even if he’d been there 100% of the time, now that she was gone, it would never feel like enough.
Regret, which is a normal part of grief, is like that. You look back at behaviors or interactions that occurred under one set of circumstances and now see them through the lens of your new circumstance: loss. Memories, like images, come into harsh relief against the stark backdrop of grief. The good hides in the background, while guilt and shame rise to the foreground. Logically, you may understand that you did the best you could but, emotionally, you may feel otherwise. Forgiving yourself can seem elusive.
“Regret is a more tormented form of guilt,” says therapist Megan Devine, author of the best-selling book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK. Things look one way when you believe that you have time to repair a slight or injury; they look another when you don’t. As Devine says: “There’s no do-over with death.” That finality is hard to grasp and creates a deep sense of anxiety and powerlessness, fuel for regrets. You may think, If I had only done this or that, maybe the outcome would have been different. Most likely, this is your mind trying to regain a sense of control and scrambling to make sense out of the permanence of death.
Eliot later revealed another layer to his grief-regret, for which he was having a harder time forgiving himself. It did not involve anything that he did but how he felt. “At times I didn’t want to be in the room… I’m a horrible person.” It took courage to admit his less-than-altruistic feelings. But he was relieved to find out that they are normal. If you don’t feel the way you think you “should” feel, it is likely you will push the feelings away with self-condemnation. Compassionately accepting the existence of feelings that you have been socialized to think are wrong or negative, such as anger or resentment, can help ground you. Those human feelings have little to do with how much you loved or were loved.
Everyone who has had a significant loss has suffered regrets. Not just regrets over the handling of the weeks and months prior to death but regrets over things done or not done over the life of the relationship. I regret having nagged him about his eating habits. I should have listened more. I regret not speaking up about some of the decisions we made.
One woman whose husband recently died admitted that she regretted the recurrent bickering she engaged in around an ongoing but relatively minor household issue. It seemed harmless at the time but now she felt like it was needless and caused her husband pain. She knew, however, that if he came back tomorrow they’d both pick up right where they left off. Bickering was part of their love language. Such is the nature of being in a close long-term relationship.
Grief disrupts your relationship to yourself, including your perception of the past. It may feel like you are sometimes swimming between multiple versions of your relationship, wondering which one is real. Of course, much also depends on the substance of the relationship before the loss. There may be guilt about having made some mistakes that had serious consequences, or perhaps you were never able to resolve a conflict or repair a hurt before losing your loved one. There may also be anger over ways you were treated, for which you now feel guilty. Even within a solid relationship there are always tensions, challenges, frustrations and differences, times when things are handled better than others. This is life. And yet, after a loss, those moments take center stage in our grief-mind. A grief mirage.
When grief-regrets take hold of you there are a few things you can do: Write a love letter to your partner or spouse. Express your love and gratitude for all he or she brought into your life. Share your regrets. Apologize for any missteps (real or imagined) you may have made. Be specific. If you can, explain how you saw things at the time. Allow whatever feelings to come up as you write. Ask for forgiveness for whatever acts or injuries you feel you may have incurred. And, just as importantly, forgive him or her theirs. This will also help you forgive yourself.
Look at photos or videos of moments that bring you joy. Share your relationship origin story with others. Have those close to you share stories of your loved one with you.
Close your eyes. Breathe deeply. Meditate. Bring loving images of your partner or spouse to mind.
What is most important, whether it is through these exercises or another way, is to reconnect with your love relationship. Embracing your love bond and allowing yourself to feel loved will ground you, making it easier for regrets to fall into perspective.
As you heal from your journey through loss, the mirage of grief-regrets will dissipate. There is no need to punish yourself for any mistakes you may have made, just learn and grow from them. That’s all any of us can do.