If you’re grieving, you might feel exhausted and possibly hopeless as you attempt to find your way. That’s understandable and natural; grieving is complicated and can be all consuming. It can drain your mental, emotional and physical energy and pours the neurochemistry of cortisol (a stress hormone) into your weary body. Cortisol levels remain elevated for the first six months of bereavement, affecting heart and immune functioning, as well as quality of sleep and life. So, what can you do? How do you get through each day?
Is it a betrayal to your deceased loved one to feel moments of pleasure, comfort, happiness and even joy while you’re grieving? The answer is… no, it is not a betrayal. Is it okay to feel moments of pleasure? Yes! It’s important to find a way to bring some balance into your life. There is a lot you can do but it takes self-compassion and self-permission.
Let’s put it this way: It feels great to have an emotional release — to cry and let it out. However, the longer you are stuck there, in what some have described as “a dark hole, a downward spiral,” the harder it may be to pull yourself out.
In the HOPE groups, we discuss the following symbol to discover the pathway to grieving in a way that helps you feel a little more balance.
As you can see, the left circle represents your grief. When you are on that side you can find yourself sitting in grief and an array of difficult emotions. If you stay there, you can get consumed by grief. And yes, it is consuming!
The right circle represents your resources. Resources are the things, people, places that help you through your grief journey. This may include hobbies/interests, work, volunteering, gardening, children/grandchildren, pets, friends/family, projects, walking/ movement/exercise, being in nature, church/temple/ spiritual connection. When you stay on this side, you get busy and might feel that you can distract yourself from your grief. That doesn’t work. Unfortunately, you need to heal grief, not pretend that it doesn’t exist. It’s in your body and will wait. It will show up when you least expect it.
Healing occurs when you allow youself to flow in and out of these states of being. To give yourself permission to sit with your grief, validate it, as well as say yes to a friend who has invited you to dinner, laugh in a grief group or find enjoyment in the day. Striving to find balance and to allow yourself to flow through the two circles allows healing to occur.
By stepping into the right circle (resources), you’re giving your brain a break from the cortisol and inviting some feel-good chemical hormones, such as dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin, to enter your system.
Recently, HOPE Connection had a fundraiser, “Hope on the Horizon.” Members from many of our groups attended as well as alumni, members who have graduated from our program.
Two weeks before the fundraiser we spoke to a member from Group One, let’s call her Marie. With some encouragement, Marie agreed to attend. That was brave. Not only was she the only member from her group to commit to attend, but she also gave herself permission to find enjoyment during the raw stage of early grief. Many times, we hear from early grievers that they may fear experiencing guilt by finding moments of joy during a time of intense grief.
At the event, Marie thanked us for providing her the encouragement to attend. She enjoyed gazing over the Malibu ocean views, listening to the live band, tasting the delicious hors d’oeuvres and connecting with members of the community. For a little while, she felt better and connected to others and her life.
Even when you think you don’t want to do it or can’t do it, give yourself permission to step out of your grief for a little while. You may surprise yourself with the possible rewards.