Coming to my front door
Heaviness with each step
Fumbling for my key
Turning the latch
Unable to shake loose the day
Walking inside
He is there
Waiting
Enfolding me in his arms
His muscles firm against
My weakness
His cheek a pillow for my tears
My body leaning in
Swaths of warmth
Running down my spine
Tension loosening
Soothed by his strength
Skin to skin
Heart to soul
His touch
Melting my stress
I am home
When death takes our beloved person, grief turns every moment into a challenge. Our pain can be unbearable. There is no quick fix to lift our pain. Part of our grief work is to get our inside thoughts and feelings expressed, acknowledged, mourned. Naming and claiming all we have lost can help us get through the days ahead.
One of our deepest losses that often goes unacknowledged is missing physical contact from our loved one — that soul touch that comes with a deep relationship. This is not about meeting sexual needs but about the needs of the heart. We don’t “get over” this loss but we can go on and even thrive. Understanding our touch needs helps us understand our wild feelings and increases our self-compassion.
Soul hugs are two-way connections so needed for body and spirit. You mourn what is gone forever but can still experience the emotional lift from hugs with those around you. Maybe you are living with others who are important in your life and totally available for hugs. Some people live alone, deeply missing that person who was their main source of physical contact.
There may be relatives, friends, neighbors who you see regularly who are huggers. If so, let yourself fully take in the comfort of those contacts. If not, go outside of that inner circle. If someone asks what they can do for you, suggest a hug. You will often find that acquaintances or brief encounters with strangers can end in a touch on the shoulder, a pat on the back or even a bear hug. Scientific research supports the importance for our mental and physical health of giving and getting touch.
A real hug, a soul connection, nourishes body and soul. When we hug it is always a dance of two. Our physiology puts our upper body in line with another, arms around arms, heart to heart. We can allow ourselves to make those contacts soulful by letting go of restraint and having times when we choose to give of ourselves emotionally as well as physically.
Some people live with beloved animals and turn to those pets for cuddling and loving. If you have an animal, you have probably instinctively reached for the comfort of your companion. The spiritual leader, the late Ram Dass, was in his last months of life as was his cat. The cat would sleep on Ram’s chest and they would breathe together. You probably have your own examples in your life with an animal you adore. If you have longed to get a pet, now is a good time.
We are very vulnerable inside and, just like little kids, we need stuffed animals, warm soft blankets, bedding made of material that feels good on our body. If you crave touch, try having a massage. These surrogate touch experiences are not the same as the arms of our beloved but can help fulfill our physiological contact needs.
Some members of the HOPE community are in grief groups such as Hope Connection. At the end of the two-year program, each “graduate” receives a smooth stone that has been touched by all the group facilitators. Many people use their stones for comfort — holding it, touching it, bringing back memories and good feelings. Not all healing touch needs to be from live sources.
We can benefit from loving self-touch. Find a lotion with a fragrance that is aromatherapy to your senses and take the time to give yourself a gentle soothing lotion massage. Let the temperature and water volume of a shower be what feels good to you. Soak in a bubble bath. Walk on warm sand at the beach. Knead a big handful of clay, finger paint, strum the strings of a guitar. The possibilities are endless
We also can find soul touch in our dreams and memories. A woman in a grief group was filled with emotion describing her dream encounter with her husband. She reached out for the silky hair on his arm to see if he was “real.” She felt him and woke up filled with awe. She told us how she loved to stroke his arm when he was driving. Her experience of touch in the dream felt real and lifted her, the feeling of his presence staying with her, bringing comfort just as it did throughout their life together.
Being aware of touch needs is a big first step toward simple life changes to bring more caring physical contact into your everyday life.
Let yourself reap the benefits of making touch part of your grief journey for body, heart and soul.