Here we are. You got through Thanksgiving. Hanukkah and Christmas are here. And the New Year is days away. You might be saying… “Oh no, no more, please just let me stay under the covers till this is all over” and you wouldn’t be alone in feeling that. The holidays and the prospect of a new year can be complicated when your loved one is not here.
Perhaps you are fortunate to have family and friends that invite you out for celebrations. Yet, you may also be questioning yourself… do I stay or do I go? Do I want to be with others feeling jovial or do I just want to be alone? It is normal to feel conflicted when grieving, especially if it is the first year.
Perhaps even more poignantly, approaching a new year is always a time for plans and resolutions. But it’s hard to plan when your world has been shattered. Whether it’s your spouse/partner or parent who you are missing, it’s now a strange world of emotions. Feelings of sadness fill this world and yet, for so many, it’s also about putting on a mask of being “fine” with others.
Here’s a radical thought… what about your needs? Yes, you are sad and unsure. Yet all too often you are that person who thinks of someone else before yourself. The gift you give someone when you let them know you are sad and missing your loved one gives them the opportunity to support you. And that’s important when you’re grieving!
Grief needs to be witnessed and does not heal in isolation. Others around you are also missing your loved one. To talk about him or her is to give a gift of healing together. It’s also another way of honoring your loved one. We do that in the HOPE Connection grief groups and it’s also important to do that with family and friends. Other people may be hesitant to take the first step to talk about your loved one. That’s okay. When you open the conversation you give permission to others. They may have been doing the same dance you are, wondering if something they say will make you sad. The fact is — you are already sad. They need to know it’s okay to speak.
What all of this says is, yes, holidays with others are not what they were when your loved one was here. The coming new year will not be the same as in years past, when you enjoyed the excitement of making plans for the future with your loved one. This year is not feeling very normal and, as you may be finding out, there is not just one way to do anything around the holidays or in planning for the future. In these changing times it can help to have a mantra, such as, “I can get through this,” or “I can do hard things.” Saying these words of self-encouragement can be a powerful affirmation of your inner strength and help build confidence.
Here’s another way of regulating emotions to help you feel connected and centered. It’s a simple meditative moment of grounding yourself, and calming some anxiety. So right now, take a minute, close your eyes, put your hand on your chest, and say “Breathing in, I calm body and mind. Breathing out, I smile with gratitude.” You may want to say this a couple times and notice how your anxiety changes as your breathing changes.
May your holidays be a season of giving and also receiving. May the coming new year be one of both healing and rebuilding. All are important aspects of grieving as you go forward one step at a time.