To everything, there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.
A time to be born, a time to die. A time to plant, a time to reap.
A time to kill, a time to heal. A time to laugh, a time to weep.
A time to build up, a time to break down. A time to dance, a time to mourn.
A time to cast away stones. A time to gather stones together.
A time of love, a time of hate. A time of war, a time of peace.
A time you may embrace. A time to refrain from embracing.
A time to gain, a time to lose. A time to rend, a time to sew.
A time of love, a time of hate. A time of peace, I swear it’s not too late.
— Turn, Turn, Turn by Pete Seeger, based upon the book of Ecclesiastes
There is so much truth in these lyrics. The process of grieving, with all its ups and downs, mirrors the seasons. There is the darkness of winter grief, with tears in the night, then smiles as the warm summer sun brings the light and recollection of joyful times remembered.
Nature gives us beautiful examples of change. There is a resilience in nature, the ability to adapt, recover and maintain a balance. There is a lesson to be found in nature in how to be patient with your seasons of grief. There is also confusion sometimes about resilience. Some people mistakenly confuse resilience with being strong or tough and bouncing back quickly. There may be some of that, yet mostly resilience is about patience, allowing the process to unfold with a sense of self kindness.
Suppose you had a garden and planted some tomatoes. Would you go out every morning and yell at the tomatoes to grow quicker? Of course not. You might hope for tomatoes soon, but more likely you would carefully tend to your plants, providing water and fertilizer, hoping for beautiful tomatoes to grow and do well. That is calm kindness, and it is also called for as you befriend and tend to your grief with calm patience and tender self-kindness.
To see how this process appears in nature, look to the sky. This winter billions of birds took to the skies as they flocked to their wintering grounds. With so many different species on the move they were bound to commingle. A new study suggests that there may be a purpose to this mixing and mingling. In fact, different bird species could have their own social networks that may boost each other’s chances of survival. Birds show us how important it is to have a social network to ensure our own recovery. We know we do not heal in isolation. Isolation can exacerbate grief. Rather, grief needs to be witnessed.
There are times in grief when you may lose your footing or feel lost. As you go through this process of grieving, it can be overwhelming — mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Often, at the onset of grief, many people just want to be left alone. Yet, the question remains: for how long? It seems birds are on to something. Migration is a complex process. Undertaking it with others may help in mysterious and unknown ways. Many people within the HOPE community tell us of their experience reaching out and being comforted in the connection they find in their new-found social network.
One of the truths of life is that everything is always changing. Every moment is impermanent. Nothing just stays the same. That’s one of the important reasons to stop and pay attention to what’s going on, inside and outside of yourself. Noticing change acts like a compass, giving you some direction as you get to know who you are now, as you redefine yourself in this new season of your life.
“Things other than my grief are going on in the world. Let me pay attention so I don’t miss what could help me heal.” — Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Grief Recovery, by Martha W. Hickman