Dance to a new rhythm
Whistle a new song
Toast with a new vintage
The fizz doesn’t fizz too long.
There’s only one way to make the bubbles stay
Simply travel a new highway
Dance to a new rhythm
Open a new window
Ev’ry day!
Auntie Mame — from the musical MAME.
You have probably heard the term “comfort zone” — a way of living that brings peace and harmony to your everyday life. If you have had a recent loss of a beloved, that term may feel like a long-lost memory as you grapple with intense emotional pain along with decisions and changes you did not desire. Illness, death, major crisis take you out of all that was familiar and comfortable. It is a forced journey beyond your comfort zone.
There is another way, though, to move beyond your comfort zone. It is through an “out of the box” experience that you seek by choice — not necessity. You may have coped with and made adjustments to the hills and valleys of life and may be wondering how to shake this new sense of meaningless. The old Peggy Lee song — Is That All There Is? — may be the soundtrack of your new life.
If you are grieving a deep loss of a beloved or are just in the doldrums over the state of the world, why should you seek to expand the cocoon of safety that you have worked so hard to create? The key to that question is the word “expand.” Once you have met some basic needs and are surviving, you might notice a yearning, longing, stirring inside for something more, a going beyond surviving into full thriving. Doing that means taking some chances, moving beyond the everyday familiar into the new. Perhaps you have talents, desires, loving ways of being — aspects of yourself that are caged, seeking to soar.
Let’s look at a few ways to expand beyond the ordinary.
Set an intention to venture out. See your comfort zone as elastic. It can hold what is necessary for your stability yet be flexible enough to stretch as far as you wish.
Do a self-inventory. What do you already love to do? Think about your talents, and interests now and in the past — as far back as childhood. What have you always wanted to do that is still possible? What have been your dreams and deep desires?
What is your style of making change. Were you the kid who ran to the deep end of the cold pool and jumped in or did you baby step your way from the shallow end, a toe at a time?
Join a support group. Many of you reading this are already part of HOPE Connection, able to be with others who understand the effort it takes for the smallest of steps forward. A group also means you get to hear ideas from others as people share what they are doing to expand their life choices. You often find new friends who will come along when what you seek is not a solo activity or they become your “cheerleaders” as you do the same for them.
There are all kinds of groups that can strengthen your desire to expand your life. It can be simple, a book club, a class in something you want to learn, a hiking club. The list is endless.
When facing loss, crisis or tough times, it is easy to shut yourself down with helplessness, hopelessness and despair. Support groups can be the catalyst to not only find your comfort zone but go beyond it.
Have a brainstorming session with yourself. Let your mind be free to think of anything at all that sparks your inner fire no matter how small or big. Make a list and keep adding anything that comes to you. Look over your list and pinpoint one item to start that seems not only appealing but also doable. Get support as needed.
Here are a few examples of comfort zone stretchers that others have chosen:
• Zoe was an 84-year-old widow. Her husband did not like to travel while she yearned to fly far away to new lands. She booked a trip to Hawaii and convinced a friend to travel with her. She even learned to Hula dance.
• Raymond loved drama as a kid and was the class clown. He felt so isolated when his wife died after 39 years of marriage. He enrolled in an improv class at a comedy club and is laughing again and making others laugh too.
• Sonya came from a working-class family with no extra money for anything beyond necessities. When she became a widow at 68, she had just retired and had no idea how to fill her days without husband or job. She remembered her childhood dream to play the piano. She loved classical music and began learning to play. She also started going to local concerts in the park. Her world expanded.
• Ralph started building houses with Habitat for Humanity.
• Sandra collected over a hundred toys for Toys for Tots.
• Dan learned to speak French and is planning a trip to France.
• Robin loves to prepare all kinds of food and is taking a gourmet cooking class.
What would you want for your story?
Think Big
Once you let yourself go beyond narrow boundaries, a new world can open. You could start a business, change the world through political activism, raise money for a charity, travel the world.
Be Compassionate With Yourself
As your grief process continues over days, months and years, be gentle as you seek to expand your comfort zone. There will be times you may just want to curl up in the fetal position and do nothing. Other days, you will be ready for those baby steps or even big leaps. It’s all okay. Trust in your way and your timetable. Give yourself permission to thrive.