(818) 788-HOPE (4673)
Grief Support Groups Serving West Los Angeles, Encino and Agoura Hills
HomeBlogGrief

Grief

An Important Message For The Holidays

There’s no place like “HOPE” for the Holidays.

The first time a loved one is absent for the holidays a griever may conclude that all of the progress and healing that has taken place has vanished.

Starting with Thanksgiving and through New Year’s are the days on which mourners are reminded of loss by the painful absence of their loved one. Feelings of longing and sadness are especially acute this time of year.

In our culture there is a strong expectation of a “Norman Rockwell” holiday with loved ones harmoniously gathered around the hearth. This expectation burdens many individuals, not just those who are mourning.

Sensing — And Grieving — Absence

Grieving is so very hard. No one knows how to do it the first time they grieve, so they fumble their way through it. And it hardly gets any easier with each subsequent loss they sustain.

When we experience the death of someone we love, it’s difficult enough wrestling with the fact that they’re gone. One of the aspects we aren’t prepared for is the impact of some of the secondary losses: having to move (and thus losing a home), loss of identity or financial stability, loss or cancellation of future plans and — the loss of the physical presence of another. In fact, almost mysteriously, “absence” becomes a powerful physical force.

A Letter To Family And Friends

Often friends and family don’t know what to do to help you when you’re grieving. It’s hard to watch you struggle and not be the same. They feel helpless and don’t know what to do. They just want You back, the you and life that they have known. 

It may help to imagine writing a letter to them to try and explain your thoughts and feelings. It might go something like…

To my dear family and friends:

The Balm Of Kindness

Grieving can bring us into the deepest, darkest places of our emotional existence. We can feel overwhelmed by regrets, despair, fury, hopelessness — an unending list of hurts while longing for even brief moments of comfort and slivers of joy. You may have thought of yourself as a kind person but don’t feel it now and notice how your inner distress is affecting your ability to treat others in ways that seem in line with the real you — the one you feel you have lost.  

My Grief Teacher

“Do what you can, with what you’ve got, where you are.” Squire Bill Widener (1913)

Grief has taught me many things over the last eight years. I have experienced the powerful shroud of loss, overlooked the tiny rays of sunshine bidding me to peek out, objected as I was forced to transform inside its lonely cocoon, fought the fears that come with being alone and ambivalently welcomed my own company. Along the way, I learned the importance of relying on the safety net that family, friends and community provide and strengthening valued friendships. I struggled with holding on to gratitude and maintaining faith in a meaningful future. Working on acceptance of my new reality, staying in the moment, forging a new identity and expanding interests were my constant homework. Even though my grief journey left me with a more weather-worn sense of self, by taking the pilgrimage with others I didn’t feel so alone in my experience. And by absorbing the collective wisdom of other grievers, I grew as a person and learned a great deal along the way.

Transcending Grief Through Self Care, Self Compassion & Self Love

When you’re living your life, you go about your normal routine as usual. Then when someone you love dies, surviving grief can feel like you’ve been transported onto a Ferris wheel in the middle of a lake. When you’re up high, you feel like you’re on top of things and have some measure of control. As you descend, your view and perspective changes. So do your emotions and your coping strategies. As you gain momentum plunging downward, you can feel an unraveling dread and a rise in panic. Suddenly, you’re totally submerged  in deep water, much longer than you care to be, struggling for your very breath. Then the realization hits you. You’re drowning and you don’t know what to do. You don’t even know how to breathe anymore… You are at a total loss.

Living With Grief: What’s The DIF?

Evelyn Pechter is a HOPE therapist and Licensed Psychologist. Dr. Pechter has private practice offices in West Los Angeles and Woodland Hills, where she specializes in adult life changes including grief/loss.

“Wherever you are right now on your journey — whether your loved one died two weeks ago, two years ago, or even 20 years ago, it helps to understand the process from beginning to the not-so-clear end. As Glenda the Good Witch of the North told Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz before she set out for Emerald City, “It’s always best to start at the beginning.” So it is with most things; so it is with grief.

— Ashley Davis Bush: Transcending Loss

It is best to start at the beginning, but what often happens is that people want to avoid the painful aspects of grief; it’s too terrifying. So, they rush right ahead, telling others — and themselves — that “Everything’s just fine. I’m okay. I’m adjusting just fine.” They attempt to skip to the end before they’ve gone through the process.

Who Am I Now?

When you’re a couple, your personalities blend over time. You take on a little of each other. You understand how the other thinks, and sometimes you can even find yourself finishing the other’s sentences. This is a natural occurrence. It happens over time, and it is a beautiful thing. It works. It’s the lovely part of a relationship; I refer to it as being comfortable with each other.

When We Become Me: The Uncoupling Dilemma

In this context, the term uncoupling can be applied to anyone who has had a deep, meaningful relationship with a significant someone who has been a source of support and shared an enduring special connection — and lost them through death. This includes spouses, partners, close parent-and-child relationships, siblings (especially twins), cousins and best friends.      

A Different Grief – A Man’s Grief

Everyone goes through a natural grieving process when a death occurs. We each behave and express feelings according to the way we’ve been taught and as modeled by our society, our culture, our family, our peers and other influences. A belief system is created that affects the way that we perceive life, death and grief.