Rabbi Paul Kipnes, MAJE, a popular lecturer on raising spiritually balanced, emotionally whole children, is leader of Congregation Or Ami in Calabasas, California.
There is a secret life of the mourner
That most people just don’t see
There is a secret life of a mourner
Hidden, complex, and now, me.
Restorative: “Having the ability to restore health, strength or a feeling of well-being.”
Those of us who have lost a spouse or partner know how difficult the holidays can be. Celebrating at a family meal with an absent partner, or attending a party alone, may be particularly difficult. These special events, most often shared with your loved one over many years, can trigger deep grief. Perhaps your partner or spouse was the one who enjoyed hosting the party, who made it a special annual tradition that friends, family, and neighbors loved to attend. Now the quiet looms in front of you and the realization that it will never be the same, hits like a ton of bricks. It will never be the same. If you are lucky, you find joyful moments when surrounded by those who love and care about you. Your family or friends fill the some of the void, share the loss with you, take up the mantle or make sure you are included in special activities.
A lot has been written about “getting through the holidays.” But, for someone who is grieving, words of hope and comfort can never be said often enough. This week, on the eve of both Christmas and Hanukkah, the visual cues announcing the holidays are almost overwhelming. Lights, decorations are everywhere, triggering feelings of loss and loneliness. Now, words of encouragement are needed…
In HOPE Connection support groups it’s almost a given that someone will talk about being heartbroken because it’s such an accurate description following the death of your spouse or partner. Most people, of course, would say that it’s a metaphorical term — your heart is not literally broken.
Martin Hamer, a native of The Netherlands, has been a yogi and has practiced Transcendental Meditation since 1977, and the advanced techniques called TM-Sidhis since 1980. Now retired, he worked for American Express and a local chiropractor for many years, while also working for (mostly American) translation agencies as a trained English-Dutch translator and vice versa. In 1984 he co-authored the first book on chiropractic in…
“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all the darkness.” – Desmond Tutu
Death is a thief. It takes more than a life; it steals dreams, relationships, and some of what makes a life worth living. The tunnel of loss that follows can be dark and lonely. But HOPE Connection — through our caring support groups, therapists and mentors — opens a window to let light and life back in.
“We can endure much more than we think we can; all human experience testifies to that. All we need to do is learn not to be afraid of pain. Grit your teeth and let it hurt. Don’t deny it, don’t be overwhelmed by it. It will not last forever. One day, the pain will be gone and you will still be there.” — Harold Kushner – When All You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough
Rabbi Kushner says it so well. The most difficult challenges of grieving are to acknowledge it, give it permission to have a place in our lives and in our bodies, attend to it, allow it to heal and let it go. Sounds like a simple recipe but what a huge and individual task to achieve.
The challenges are difficult for both men and women. There are so many general similarities in gender grieving styles but there are also so many differences that make the challenge of grieving different, especially for men. It’s important to recognize that while grief is individual for both genders, this writing speaks to the general differences more than the similarities.
Nostalgia is, by its very nature, bittersweet, the happiest memories laced with melancholy. It’s that combination, that opposition of forces, that makes it so compelling. People, places, events, times: we miss them, and there’s a pleasure in the missing and a sadness in the love. — Robert J. Wiersema (Canadian author)
Nostalgia is that deep longing, that yearning for what was. When you’re grieving, it’s normal to want your loved one to be with you. Even when you know the sad reality, your heart is longing for what was.
In the beautiful song Sanctuary by Carrie Newcomer, she sings
Will you be my refuge, my haven in the storm,
Will you keep the embers warm when my fire’s all but gone?
Will you remember and bring me sprigs of rosemary,
Be my sanctuary ‘til I can carry on, carry on, carry on.
Anyone who has found peace and healing in a HOPE Connection group will identify deeply with Newcomer’s lyrics. HOPE groups are indeed sanctuaries of grace and comfort.
Why talk about it? What good will it do? It’s done. My loved one died. Nothing that I say is going to bring him/her back. I just need to move on.
Sound familiar? Have you said thoughts like this to yourself? Have you said it to others?
That attitude is like trying to take a short cut on the journey of grief… and that rarely ends well. It takes you away from the one thing that you need to heal… attention to your broken heart and all the feelings that it holds.
Healing from grief just doesn’t have a shortcut.