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Posts by Jo Christner, Psy.D.

Strong… or Brave?

There is so much wisdom found in the process of grieving… even if we don’t know or feel it at the time. In grieving, we grow, like it or not. You change when you attend to your grief… because just about everything changes when your spouse dies.

Often, we talk about how difficult it is to grieve the loss of a spouse. There are so many layers and so many new things to learn and do. It can be exhausting and overwhelming. Sometimes it’s hard to face the reality and just keep walking. Sleep sometimes seems like a comforting solitude and escape… but it is so temporary because your grief is there when you wake up. It waits.

Grief! How Do I Do This?

What do most people really know about grief… or how to grieve? Most people know very little. In our society, we most often shy away from the issue of death and most often don’t talk about the horrible pain that we feel when we grieve. We stuff it down, put on a “good face” and act like we’re okay. Inside, we feel confused, frightened, anxious and in emotional pain. The other option that happens is that people shut down, hide away and suffer in silence and aloneness. Neither of these options work very well. They just put grief on hold and cause more suffering.

Grief The Teacher

Grief can be so confusing, so exhausting and so overwhelming! There are so many uncomfortable and difficult feelings that arise when your loved one dies.

Overwhelming does not even begin to describe how big it might feel. There is sometimes so much going on inside that our central nervous system gives us a natural anesthetic that helps us to just feel… numb. That numbness or shock is a normal first part of grieving that helps us negotiate our suddenly surreal situation.

When Will “Closure” Come?

One person may say — “Closure? Will there ever be an end to this horrible pain of grief? When will I get the closure that I hear about? I’m done. I’m not going to grieve anymore!” And another person may say — “I don’t want closure. I never want to let go. How can I possibly say goodbye forever to my loved one? I’m so confused. Am…

A Letter To Family And Friends

Often friends and family don’t know what to do to help you when you’re grieving. It’s hard to watch you struggle and not be the same. They feel helpless and don’t know what to do. They just want You back, the you and life that they have known. 

It may help to imagine writing a letter to them to try and explain your thoughts and feelings. It might go something like…

To my dear family and friends:

A Different Grief – A Man’s Grief

Everyone goes through a natural grieving process when a death occurs. We each behave and express feelings according to the way we’ve been taught and as modeled by our society, our culture, our family, our peers and other influences. A belief system is created that affects the way that we perceive life, death and grief.

Organic Traces

We recently held a group in a member’s home. As we were all saying our goodbyes she asked me to come with her. She took me to her deceased husband’s closet, fully intact, smelling like his aftershave and the essence of his physical being. I could sense him. Although I never knew him in person, I felt closer, like I had just met…

Resilience In Trauma?

There has been such tremendous and overwhelming loss to our Los Angeles community. Every single person has been touched on some deep level with their own loss and the tremendous and overwhelming losses of others. Lost homes, lost lives, lost pets, lost belongings, lost wildlife and Nature, a lost sense of safety and personhood. Those who have not lost their homes may feel blessed and yet deeply grieve for those who did, fearing that they could be next. Belief systems have been tested. How could this possibly be happening? It’s hard to feel safe anymore. We may not personally know someone who has lost a home but everyone’s heart has been broken from the pain, sorrow and tremendous suffering on such a huge scale.

Stitching

Take a moment and imagine your life as a tapestry.

What you see depends upon which side you’re looking at.

Sometimes, you only see what looks like the back side of the fabric, with broken threads and uneven and missed stitches, the difficult painful events.

If you take a breath, give it time to unfold and hold onto faith/hope/love, you may be able to imagine the top side of the tapestry and begin to believe that your life will become upright and okay again, maybe even beautiful in its own unique, changed way. It won’t always feel upside down the way the loss of loved one can throw it.

Healing Grief… Moment By Moment: A HOPE Connection Podcast — Bereavement, Grief and Mourning

“Healing Grief… Moment by Moment” is a podcast created and produced by HOPE Connection. In each short episode Dr. Jo Christner or another HOPE Connection therapist offers a meditative exploration of a different aspect of grief and the healing process. As you listen, we wish you love, light and comfort. This episode: “Bereavement, Grief and Mourning” (August 2024) — Jo Christner, Psy.D.