Often friends and family don’t know what to do to help you when you’re grieving. It’s hard to watch you struggle and not be the same. They feel helpless and don’t know what to do. They just want You back, the you and life that they have known.
It may help to imagine writing a letter to them to try and explain your thoughts and feelings. It might go something like…
To my dear family and friends:
Everyone goes through a natural grieving process when a death occurs. We each behave and express feelings according to the way we’ve been taught and as modeled by our society, our culture, our family, our peers and other influences. A belief system is created that affects the way that we perceive life, death and grief.
We recently held a group in a member’s home. As we were all saying our goodbyes she asked me to come with her. She took me to her deceased husband’s closet, fully intact, smelling like his aftershave and the essence of his physical being. I could sense him. Although I never knew him in person, I felt closer, like I had just met…
There has been such tremendous and overwhelming loss to our Los Angeles community. Every single person has been touched on some deep level with their own loss and the tremendous and overwhelming losses of others. Lost homes, lost lives, lost pets, lost belongings, lost wildlife and Nature, a lost sense of safety and personhood. Those who have not lost their homes may feel blessed and yet deeply grieve for those who did, fearing that they could be next. Belief systems have been tested. How could this possibly be happening? It’s hard to feel safe anymore. We may not personally know someone who has lost a home but everyone’s heart has been broken from the pain, sorrow and tremendous suffering on such a huge scale.
Take a moment and imagine your life as a tapestry.
What you see depends upon which side you’re looking at.
Sometimes, you only see what looks like the back side of the fabric, with broken threads and uneven and missed stitches, the difficult painful events.
If you take a breath, give it time to unfold and hold onto faith/hope/love, you may be able to imagine the top side of the tapestry and begin to believe that your life will become upright and okay again, maybe even beautiful in its own unique, changed way. It won’t always feel upside down the way the loss of loved one can throw it.
“Healing Grief… Moment by Moment” is a podcast created and produced by HOPE Connection. In each short episode Dr. Jo Christner or another HOPE Connection therapist offers a meditative exploration of a different aspect of grief and the healing process. As you listen, we wish you love, light and comfort. This episode: “Bereavement, Grief and Mourning” (August 2024) — Jo Christner, Psy.D.
What do most people really know about grief… or how to grieve? Most people know very little. In our society, we most often shy away from the issue of death and most often don’t talk about the horrible pain that we feel when we grieve. We stuff it down, put on a “good face” and act like we’re okay. Inside, we feel confused, frightened, anxious and in emotional pain. The other option that happens is that people shut down, hide away and suffer in silence and aloneness. Neither of these options work very well. They just put grief on hold and cause more suffering.
The holidays can be painful reminders of a life that “was,” but New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day with parades, football games and gatherings are triggers that make you realize how different your life really is now.
Our hopes center around the idea that this is a “new year.” In the “celebrating” of the New Year, our intentions are courageous. We hope that we will heal and feel that our lives are settling into a “new norm.” Our reality is often so different.
“Don’t walk in front of me… I may not follow
Don’t walk behind me… I may not lead
Walk beside me… just be my friend”
― Albert Camus
The lonely walk, the storm that shakes your foundation as you toss in the wild wind, the dark tunnel that seems endless. You are filled with the deepest grief beyond your imagination when your beloved has died.
Having a loved one die has so very many layers of grief and loss.
It’s so individual to you, who you are, how you think, what you believe, how and where you live, your network of support, etc., etc. Grieving is a natural occurrence in our bodies and emotions. It’s also a complicated one that really requires that we allow the process to unfold and give it our attention to heal. If you ignore it, it can sneak up on you when least expect it and feel like it knocks you down. “Why do I suddenly feel awful? What’s wrong with me.” The answer: nothing is wrong. It’s grief and all of its layers are unfolding, whether you pay attention or not.