By Marti Jo Christner
I was sitting alone in the garden this morning watching this butterfly happily flitting from flower to flower.
I felt compelled to take a picture of her beauty.
When I got closer, I noticed that she was faded and a bit broken.
And yet, there she was so happily pollinating each little pink flower.
Such a Reflection of Life. Carry on, beautiful, broken butterfly, carry on.
When your spouse dies, you will most likely embark upon a difficult and lonely journey of grieving. Somewhere on that journey of grieving and healing, you will move through the “world in-between.” You might be thinking, “What is this world in-between?”
There is so much pain and sorrow in our world and lives. Finding some thread of hope and inspiration often seems unreachable. It’s so important that we reach out to each other and create that thread… see each other through. From the beginning of time, hurting souls would sit around fires, tell stories and create connection and hope. We’ve strayed from those rituals and too often feel alone. We need those stories, those parables and metaphors to hold onto, a touchstone to hope.
So, we offer you a “touchstone” to hold onto… the story of The King’s Diamond, an old Jewish folk story. This version is included in the Introduction of Living Through Mourning: Finding Comfort and Hope When a Loved One Has Died, by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff. May it bring you a sense of connection to all of us and your deceased loved one.
Having a loved one die has so very many layers of grief and loss.
It’s so individual to you, who you are, how you think, what you believe, how and where you live, your network of support and so on. Grieving is a natural occurrence in our bodies and emotions. It’s also a complicated one that really requires that we give it our attention and allow it to heal. If you ignore it, it can sneak up on you when least expect it and feel like it knocks you down. “Why do I suddenly feel awful? What’s wrong with me.” The answer: nothing is wrong. It’s grief and all of its layers unfolding, whether you pay attention or not.
After a loved one dies, people often have an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. They feel lost, and the process of despairing and searching begins. Not only has our loved one died, we’ve lost our sense of connection. “S/He was my life.”
Being alone without another person’s physical presence is an interesting circumstance.
Isn’t it already painful enough that your spouse died and you’ve been thrust into a solitary life that you didn’t ask for and don’t want? Circumstances like a pandemic make the reality even more challenging. You’re being told to stay at home (often totally alone) and to social distance. Social distancing when we’re social beings is such a contradiction to what we’ve always been taught and encouraged. Even if it’s for the good of all, it still causes a conflict — cognitive dissonance, inside. It’s not what we believe to be true. We want and yearn human contact and connection.
One person may say — “Closure? Will there ever be an end to this horrible pain of grief? When will I get the closure that I hear about? I’m done. I’m not going to grieve anymore!” And another person may say — “I don’t want closure. I never want to let go. How can I possibly say goodbye forever to my loved one? I’m so confused. Am…
In Hebrew, the number 18 is “chai,” which means “Life.” So it is only appropriate that today – January 18, 2018 – is the official launch of HOPE Connection’s “A Celebration of Life” Bowl-a-thon. This event is being sponsored by our longtime supporter, Hillside Memorial Park and Mortuary, and will take place at Pinz Bowl, 12655 Ventura Blvd., Studio City 91604, on…
Evelyn Pechter is a HOPE therapist and Licensed Psychologist. Dr. Pechter has private practice offices in West Los Angeles and Woodland Hills, where she specializes in adult life changes including grief/loss.
“Wherever you are right now on your journey — whether your loved one died two weeks ago, two years ago, or even 20 years ago, it helps to understand the process from beginning to the not-so-clear end. As Glenda the Good Witch of the North told Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz before she set out for Emerald City, “It’s always best to start at the beginning.” So it is with most things; so it is with grief.”
— Ashley Davis Bush: Transcending Loss
It is best to start at the beginning, but what often happens is that people want to avoid the painful aspects of grief; it’s too terrifying. So, they rush right ahead, telling others — and themselves — that “Everything’s just fine. I’m okay. I’m adjusting just fine.” They attempt to skip to the end before they’ve gone through the process.
When a loved one is no longer with us, we often miss being held and holding someone. That sense of purpose to take care of someone, to take a walk with, to prepare a meal for is gone. Sometimes having a pet gives us that sense of purpose. So often pets love us unconditionally. We can talk to them and they never argue.…