When you’re living your life, you go about your normal routine as usual. Then when someone you love dies, surviving grief can feel like you’ve been transported onto a Ferris wheel in the middle of a lake. When you’re up high, you feel like you’re on top of things and have some measure of control. As you descend, your view and perspective changes. So do your emotions and your coping strategies. As you gain momentum plunging downward, you can feel an unraveling dread and a rise in panic. Suddenly, you’re totally submerged in deep water, much longer than you care to be, struggling for your very breath. Then the realization hits you. You’re drowning and you don’t know what to do. You don’t even know how to breathe anymore… You are at a total loss.
Healing
Perhaps you can relate to the following: You are with friends at a restaurant, glad to be away from the pain of mourning. Music is in the background, beyond your awareness until suddenly your attention is riveted as a song starts playing that was special to you and your beloved. Now you are transformed: going full throttle into grief; the pleasant time with friends fading away.
Evelyn Pechter is a HOPE therapist and Licensed Psychologist. Dr. Pechter has private practice offices in West Los Angeles and Woodland Hills, where she specializes in adult life changes including grief/loss.
“Wherever you are right now on your journey — whether your loved one died two weeks ago, two years ago, or even 20 years ago, it helps to understand the process from beginning to the not-so-clear end. As Glenda the Good Witch of the North told Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz before she set out for Emerald City, “It’s always best to start at the beginning.” So it is with most things; so it is with grief.
— Ashley Davis Bush: Transcending Loss
It is best to start at the beginning, but what often happens is that people want to avoid the painful aspects of grief; it’s too terrifying. So, they rush right ahead, telling others — and themselves — that “Everything’s just fine. I’m okay. I’m adjusting just fine.” They attempt to skip to the end before they’ve gone through the process.
For Hope Group Members it’s a simple fact of life that the ratio of women-to-men in a Group is usually four, five or six to one. Unfortunately, men often grieve alone — to the detriment of their psychological, physical and spiritual health.
Grief can leave us feeling unmoored, searching for something tangible to grasp when words fall short and memories feel distant. That’s why we were so moved when we were introduced to Michelle — The Memory Bear Maker.
Memory bears offer a quiet, comforting presence, created from a well-worn shirt, a cherished sweater, or even a faded uniform — items that may at first seem like painful reminders. Michelle transforms them into something new: A bear with personality, warmth and soul. These handcrafted bears carry more than fabric; they hold love, history and the essence of the one who wore them.
Appreciating solitude, being alone and feeling lonely are all related experiences that individuals who are grieving are familiar with. They are, figuratively speaking, places that you might visit frequently — or run away from because they’re so uncomfortable. “I’ll just stay busy. That way, I won’t have to feel alone or be lonely.” Unfortunately, that strategy just doesn’t work. Grief and the…
“Raindrops on Roses and whiskers on kittens.
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens.”
You probably recognize those song lyrics from Sound Of Music. It is easy to dismiss that song as a bit of tuneful fluff with charming images. Another way of viewing it is as a gem of musical wisdom on how to survive the tough times of life.
It’s a common question: What is life like after two years of grief?
This question is similar to questions you might have asked earlier. What happens during the first year? What happens after one year of grief? What happens during the second year? These are markers of time, yet grief does not always know what time it is.
Lynne Goldklang is a psychotherapist, writer and a grateful member of a HOPE bereavement group.
“I don’t think of all the misery but of all the beauty that remains.” — Anne Frank
Lynne Goldklang’s article, The Transformative Power Of Collateral Beauty, originally appeared one year ago. In light of the terrible fires plaguing the greater Los Angeles area, we invite you to reread her article with fresh eyes. Discovering collateral beauty has the power to soothe aching souls already dealing with grief of their own. — HOPE Connection
Many of you reading this may not only be grieving the death of a beloved person but in emotional pain if you live in Los Angeles or nearby communities where the wildfires have left death, destruction and tremendous loss. The situation is horrendous. Yet as you watch the news, there will also be stories of incredible deeds as well as mini miracles: the man who found his wedding ring in the rubble of his destroyed house, neighbors helping neighbors to evacuate, so many opening up homes to those who need a place to stay, the teen whose house was destroyed who collected needed supplies for others from all over the country, the animal rescue facility comforting and treating injured animals — hundreds of sacred acts of goodness and love.
This is the story of how I first came to appreciate the power and healing nature of these sacred acts.
Change is hard. For anybody. Especially someone who has been presented with life’s biggest change, the death of their significant other. As time passes, the griever is left to endure life’s challenges… with paperwork, figuring out day-to-day tasks, taking on more responsibilities and no longer having a partner to share them with. Changing a light bulb, paying taxes, doing laundry or other shared tasks, now all fall on you. Change is hard, so now what?