Laine Hammer is a writer living in Los Angeles whose mother died in 2017. She finds joy by rock climbing, reading, finding new vegan restaurants, traveling and winning free concert tickets through 88.5 FM.
“Sometimes my grief feels as though I’ve been left alone in a room with no doors. Every time I remember that my mother is dead, it feels like I’m colliding with a wall that won’t give. There’s no escape, just a hard surface that I keep ramming into over and over, a reminder of the immutable reality that I will never see her again.” — Michelle Zauner, Crying in H Mart
Grief feels like that hole in your old t-shirt. You try to ignore it, but it won’t let you. Even after you mend it, the pesky hole comes back somewhere new. And the longer you ignore it, the bigger the hole gets.
When it comes to the loss of a loved one, that hole is there forever, but there are myriad ways to help yourself heal and begin to rebuild.
There is no escaping the anguish that comes from the loss of a parent. So much rushes to the surface, all the questions you never asked, the regret you have for not being there enough, and the guilt. So much guilt. Confronting the loss every day – especially in the first year or two can be agonizing – but it’s important to allow yourself to feel.
It may feel easier to busy yourself with work, school, chores and everyday life, but grief finds a way to permeate even the most mundane tasks. One day, you’re at the grocery store and you see the noodle soup brand your mom used to make for you when you were sick and you break down right there in the soup aisle. Now, there is nothing wrong with having an emotional response in the grocery store, but finding ways to cope with your grief puts you in a better position to face the unexpected triggers.
Burying your grief puts you on track to encounter those emotions further down the road when you might not have the time and space to do so. Whether you’re feeling anger, guilt or sadness, ignoring your need to grieve will only heighten those emotions and cause more pain and suffering.
Facing the ups and downs of various emotions that come with the loss of a parent cannot be done alone. When you’re facing a particularly hard day, accept support. We’ve all had trouble asking for help at times in our lives, but this shouldn’t be one of them. Whether it’s a friend, mentor, therapist or fellow family member dealing with the loss, lean on them. Let your community help you.
There is no one that will replace your parent, but finding healthy ways to handle such a loss will help you adjust to your everyday grief, honor your loved one and be kinder to yourself in return.
Get more information about or join HOPE Connection’s Parent Loss Group here.