As an experienced traveler in this journey of grief, I have many unwelcome visitors: doubt, fear, sorrow, remorse, anger and guilt, to name a few. But the one visitor that seems to plague me the most, the one that has been the most successful in binding me up, the one that has been the most tenacious and unwelcome, is loneliness.
I’ve recently started getting free from its tenancy and getting more comfortable with being alone. The many days of disbelief at my loss have slowly diminished, and acceptance has begun to take its place. Loneliness still visits regularly, but experimenting with companionship and friendship has cautiously started and acted as a buffer. Although I find it engaging and appealing, I realize I am not ready yet for a serious relationship. I seek to find a harmonious balance in my relationships. I constantly search for my rhythm. My challenge is now to find it again. I know it will never be the same. It will be different. Having lost my dance partner in life, I realized she balanced me out as I did for her. My business, personal and social life were all balanced; now they are not. But different can be good! And my life can once again be abundant!
My experience in grief group has helped me seek and foster greater transparency in my communication in all my relationships. This is all a natural part of my journey. Nothing abnormal is happening to me. I am where I am supposed to be at this point in my life… I am reminded that the once relentless, daily reminders of my plight have lost much of their sting and frequency. However, it isn’t easy, and I don’t like it. It is natural or normal for me to wish things were the way they used to be. But I know that is not possible. This is life. It is the hard part of life that comes with much adversity. Sometimes, it comes early in life, sometimes late and often both. But eventually, it finds its way into our lives.
I know loneliness, the unwelcome visitor, will again show up at my door unannounced. It never makes an appointment. But when it does appear at my door, I have a choice: I can welcome it in and accept the pain it brings, or I can look at my life in its entirety and realize that every day, every heartbeat and breath I get, is a gift! Whatever time I was given to have my spouse grace my life was another amazing gift.
Who am I to suggest that life is unfair because it didn’t turn out like I thought it should?
I am reminded that I’ve been a kid, raised kids and been around my grandkids enough to know that most kids grow up with a sense of entitlement. If they are not given what they want, when they want it, they pitch a fit! If something that they love is taken away, they pitch a fit! In a similar way, am I not any different? I have so very much to be grateful for. I have been given so much in my life that it overwhelms me. I must remember that!