Words can be so powerful and serve so many purposes — to communicate, teach, criticize, blame or humiliate. They can express clarity, empathy, compassion and… love. They can fill up a room (or your head) with chatter, clutter, negativity and noise. Whew… that noise can be deafening and exhausting.
Since your loved one died, what words are you saying in your head about them? What are you remembering? Calling up memories can be like walking through an obstacle course and finding roadblocks… to our hearts and to our loved one’s humanity.
Who were they… in one word? Can you focus in on one of their best qualities instead of on life’s conflicts, the trauma and their ending? It’s not easy because at first we’re left with the memories of all that was challenging and difficult. It takes a while to process the fact that the opportunity for any change in the relationship is now gone.
Over time, we can learn to stand back and remember, seeing more of their lifetime and who they were. Can you describe your spouse and the essence of their human existence in one word? One powerful word… at least for this week. Next week, you can choose a different word. But, for now, choose one word that truly describes them.
Towards the end of a grief support group, I asked everyone to focus on and end with one word that describes their spouse. One woman said, “Sweet… he was always sweet to everyone.” She certainly described him that way — little conflict.
The rest of the group began pondering… and finally another woman said “Fun! He was fun!” We ended the group… but it didn’t end the discussion. The second woman emailed and thanked me. She had gotten so bogged down by the ending, the caregiving, the sickness, the exhaustion and his dying that she could no longer see him for who he really was in his lifetime… fun! Suddenly, she remembered and said that it changed everything, including the way she was grieving. She was thankful and felt such an important shift. She remembered him differently, in a bigger way now.
It’s normal at first to focus on and too clearly remember the trauma, illness, caregiving, death… and forget who they really were — their humanity. At some point, it’s important to pause, breathe and remember… just one word, one word that describes who they were.
Your one word can make a difference. What is your one word for your loved one?
Okay, I’ll start. My husband died in 2015. He was a Vietnam vet with severe PTSD and the last years were horrible, full of conflict and very traumatic. I can see him more clearly now and my one word today is “Talented.” He was amazingly creative and talented, especially with music. He played many instruments, made a CD, played the guitar, made up songs spontaneously and sang them to everyone. He was all self-taught! I want to remember him that way — the way that showed one of his true gifts. No, it doesn’t describe all of who he was but that one word describes so much of his impact in this lifetime. That one word helps me to remember him through a much softer heart and a loving memory.
Just One Word. Can you describe your spouse in one word? Will you? Focus in on one of their best qualities instead of their leaving.
Please feel free to share your one word with us by emailing it to info@hopegroups.org.
We want to hear about and witness your loved one through that lens. May their memory be a blessing… always.