Martin Hamer, a native of The Netherlands, has been a yogi and has practiced Transcendental Meditation since 1977, and the advanced techniques called TM-Sidhis since 1980. Now retired, he worked for American Express and a local chiropractor for many years, while also working for (mostly American) translation agencies as a trained English-Dutch translator and vice versa. In 1984 he co-authored the first book on chiropractic in…
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Grief Support Groups Serving West Los Angeles, Encino and Agoura Hills
Grief Support Groups Serving West Los Angeles, Encino and Agoura Hills
Grief (Page 9)
“We can endure much more than we think we can; all human experience testifies to that. All we need to do is learn not to be afraid of pain. Grit your teeth and let it hurt. Don’t deny it, don’t be overwhelmed by it. It will not last forever. One day, the pain will be gone and you will still be there.” — Harold Kushner – When All You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough
Rabbi Kushner says it so well. The most difficult challenges of grieving are to acknowledge it, give it permission to have a place in our lives and in our bodies, attend to it, allow it to heal and let it go. Sounds like a simple recipe but what a huge and individual task to achieve.
The challenges are difficult for both men and women. There are so many general similarities in gender grieving styles but there are also so many differences that make the challenge of grieving different, especially for men. It’s important to recognize that while grief is individual for both genders, this writing speaks to the general differences more than the similarities.
Nostalgia is, by its very nature, bittersweet, the happiest memories laced with melancholy. It’s that combination, that opposition of forces, that makes it so compelling. People, places, events, times: we miss them, and there’s a pleasure in the missing and a sadness in the love. — Robert J. Wiersema (Canadian author)
Nostalgia is that deep longing, that yearning for what was. When you’re grieving, it’s normal to want your loved one to be with you. Even when you know the sad reality, your heart is longing for what was.
Why talk about it? What good will it do? It’s done. My loved one died. Nothing that I say is going to bring him/her back. I just need to move on.
Sound familiar? Have you said thoughts like this to yourself? Have you said it to others?
That attitude is like trying to take a short cut on the journey of grief… and that rarely ends well. It takes you away from the one thing that you need to heal… attention to your broken heart and all the feelings that it holds.
Healing from grief just doesn’t have a shortcut.
When your spouse dies, there is a process that you go through — your very own individual process. As painful as that process is, it also presents you with the chance to walk down a perhaps wholly unanticipated path — one that allows you to redefine your identity and goals. Grief changes you and takes you to a different place inside and out. That place might be the next chapter of your life.
When your spouse or long-term partner dies, everyone knows what you mean when you say you’re heartbroken. But as you grieve you quickly learn there’s a lot more going on than simply feeling sad or depressed. In fact, the intricacies and complexities of grief can be absolutely baffling. That’s because many aspects of grief are actually controlled by the brain.
Watch this short video for an overview of the physiological and neurological reactions of your brain and body to the process of grieving.
Shortly after my husband died, I woke to the sound of a garbage truck coming down my street on its routine early morning pickup. I usually dislike those noisy garbage trucks grinding away as they slam trash cans around, but now a sense of comfort washed over me. How strange, I thought, that such an ordinary thing helps me regain a sense of normality. My connection to the outside world was momentarily restored. I began to welcome trash days knowing that for a few moments, I would relax – something that had eluded me in those first months of grief. It was a small sense of relief, but with a noticeable impact.
Self-care is like flossing — we know we need to do it regularly, but most people don’t. It is important to take care of yourself, especially during a time of grieving. Taking care of yourself while you grieve can help you suffer less in every way — in your mind, body and spirit. There is no timeline on grief, so take as much time as you need and seek and accept help and support from friends and loved ones, as well as seeking professional support such as personal therapy or joining a bereavement support group.
Laine Hammer is a writer living in Los Angeles whose mother died in 2017. She finds joy by rock climbing, reading, finding new vegan restaurants, traveling and winning free concert tickets through 88.5 FM.
“Sometimes my grief feels as though I’ve been left alone in a room with no doors. Every time I remember that my mother is dead, it feels like I’m colliding with a wall that won’t give. There’s no escape, just a hard surface that I keep ramming into over and over, a reminder of the immutable reality that I will never see her again.” — Michelle Zauner, Crying in H Mart
Grief feels like that hole in your old t-shirt. You try to ignore it, but it won’t let you. Even after you mend it, the pesky hole comes back somewhere new. And the longer you ignore it, the bigger the hole gets.
“Though we would like to live without regrets, and sometimes proudly insist that we have none, this is not really possible, if only because we are mortal.” — James Baldwin
Memories are powerful and can be simply thought of as reflective nostalgia. Or they can turn into something much more, with the potential to trigger an overwhelming feeling of regret.
When someone you love dies, it’s normal to focus on some guilt or perhaps some regret which then boils to the surface without warning.