Conversations After The Death Of A Parent Or Spouse
by Sue Rowen, LMFT
“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” ― Fred Rogers
Your parent has died. Have you stopped speaking about this huge loss and your pain to your remaining parent?
“Don’t walk in front of me… I may not follow
Don’t walk behind me… I may not lead
Walk beside me… just be my friend”
― Albert Camus
The lonely walk, the storm that shakes your foundation as you toss in the wild wind, the dark tunnel that seems endless. You are filled with the deepest grief beyond your imagination when your beloved has died.
It can be 20 days or 20 years since your parent(s) has died and still there is a painful nostalgia that accompanies thoughts and reflections on our lives when our parent(s) was alive. Whether you perceived your parent as a loving parent or an unloving parent, this remains true. In one way or another we register the uniqueness of our relationship with…
Are you grieving a parent you considered unloving, not present or abusive? You may wonder, “Why do I feel so grief-stricken?” You may not have felt loved nor feel like you loved your parent. You may not have experienced “unconditional love” and wonder, “ Why am I so sad? Why am I so anxious and confused? Do I really care?” Perhaps, more…
In the months after a person’s spouse has died, some people feel like nothing is changing, like they’re really not healing. That feeling can be deceptive, because for most people their emotional, mental, spiritual and physical states are changing. To illustrate the changes, HOPE group members recently wrote down the word or two that best described their current state of mind. The results…
Not everyone grieves in the same way. Oh, yes, there are sometimes similarities in the thread of your grief… but your grief and the way you grieve is unique to you. What in the world does that mean? The following are some of the factors that may affect the way you grieve and heal.
I already hear the voices of so many who push back against that thought.
A new me?
I don’t want to be a new me. I want my old life back. I want my loved one back.
I hate these changes that have and are happening.
I just want to stand still and make it all go away. Oh, please let this be a bad dream!
Sadly, it isn’t a dream and it’s so difficult to process and understand right now. It’s natural to want to hold on to what was familiar. It was your world. Now your world has changed and you are left feeling lost, confused, alone and uncertain about who you are anymore. This enormous change has affected everything in your life.
After the death of my husband, Don, I found myself adrift in my spiritual life. My religious beliefs from childhood offered some comfort but I wanted more. I wanted to forge a relationship with my husband that was eternal. I was drawn to those friends who told me of messages they were receiving from their deceased beloved ones.
Restorative: “Having the ability to restore health, strength or a feeling of well-being.”
Those of us who have lost a spouse or partner know how difficult the holidays can be. Celebrating at a family meal with an absent partner, or attending a party alone, may be particularly difficult. These special events, most often shared with your loved one over many years, can trigger deep grief. Perhaps your partner or spouse was the one who enjoyed hosting the party, who made it a special annual tradition that friends, family, and neighbors loved to attend. Now the quiet looms in front of you and the realization that it will never be the same, hits like a ton of bricks. It will never be the same. If you are lucky, you find joyful moments when surrounded by those who love and care about you. Your family or friends fill the some of the void, share the loss with you, take up the mantle or make sure you are included in special activities.
A lot has been written about “getting through the holidays.” But, for someone who is grieving, words of hope and comfort can never be said often enough. This week, on the eve of both Christmas and Hanukkah, the visual cues announcing the holidays are almost overwhelming. Lights, decorations are everywhere, triggering feelings of loss and loneliness. Now, words of encouragement are needed…