Often, poets capture the feelings following the death of our loved one in ways that transcend words. Westley Nash does exactly that in this short poem, read by the author, Left Behind.
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Grief Support Groups Serving West Los Angeles, Encino and Agoura Hills
Grief Support Groups Serving West Los Angeles, Encino and Agoura Hills
But that shadow has been serving you!
What hurts you, blesses you.
Darkness is your candle.
Your boundaries are your quest.
You must have shadow and light source both.
Listen, and lay your head under the tree of awe.
— Rumi, a 13th Century Poet
Grief in its rawest form can feel like a shroud: grey, bleak, hiding but not shielding us from unbearable pain. Grief can cause us to question if we will ever again recover our essence, zest and sense of hope. There is no antidote, nor would we want there to be. Grief is part of every life. It is a time more than any other when we need the healing balm that is found in states of awe.
Are you grieving a parent you considered unloving, not present or abusive? You may wonder, “Why do I feel so grief-stricken?” You may not have felt loved nor feel like you loved your parent. You may not have experienced “unconditional love” and wonder, “ Why am I so sad? Why am I so anxious and confused? Do I really care?” Perhaps, more…
After the dust begins to settle following a major loss, people often struggle to return to their routines in a way that honors and makes space for their bereavement. Grief rituals can help people find meaning as well as heal.
Rituals are an important way people can adjust to the loss of a loved one, develop an ongoing connection with the deceased and can help create a connection to your community and support system.
There are many types of parent child relationships ranging from the most loving and supportive to the most troubled and conflicted. For the sake of this conversation, let’s start with the most loving relationship. Let’s say you have a son or daughter who couldn’t be more loving, understanding and supportive. They visit you, call and check on you regularly, they meet many of your needs, take you to your doctors’ appointments, make sure you eat, take your meds, take you on outings and see your grandchildren, family and friends, etc. They want to take extra special care of you because they don’t want any harm to come to you. They cannot even tolerate the thought of you dying on their watch.
What’s in a word? Some words can be very powerful, especially when you’re grieving. For someone whose parent has recently died, the first word they associate with their parent might be constant. It’s usually defined as dedicated, devoted, faithful, loyal, steadfast, steady. For many adult children who have had a parent die, those are some of the words that immediately spring to mind when they describe their parent. They might also say they thought of their parent “as an angel,” “a best friend,” “best support.”
In the months after a person’s spouse has died, some people feel like nothing is changing, like they’re really not healing. That feeling can be deceptive, because for most people their emotional, mental, spiritual and physical states are changing. To illustrate the changes, HOPE group members recently wrote down the word or two that best described their current state of mind. The results…
If your spouse or partner has died, you have probably had people say some things to you that are — however unintentional —completely inappropriate. One sentiment expressed in different ways is the idea that we should “move on” with our lives. As if we just need to get over it. In this powerful TED Talk, Nora McInerny talks about the fallacy of “moving on.”
I periodically dream that my husband returns from the dead. That is not an unusual experience in grief. Our loved ones are embedded in our souls and psyches and our dreams reflect many aspects of our grief journey: our wish to see them, our struggle to accept their loss, our fears and worries about the future, to name a few. They may also present us with existential questions about death. In my case, accepting death has been particularly difficult. My husband disappeared at sea nearly six years ago. Neither he nor his boat were ever found. Despite knowing consciously that he will never come back, in my subconscious his return is totally plausible. Sometimes we seek answers in our dreams: Is he OK? Does he know I love him? Can he please give me guidance from beyond? And, my question, what happened? My dreams often reflect the challenge of not knowing how he died. I keep hoping he’ll tell me in my dreams.
Not everyone grieves in the same way. Oh, yes, there are sometimes similarities in the thread of your grief… but your grief and the way you grieve is unique to you. What in the world does that mean? The following are some of the factors that may affect the way you grieve and heal.