I wrote this short poem about a month after my brother died:
My grief is like an ocean swell
rolling toward shore.
It rises but never breaks.
It came to me while sitting quietly during a yoga class, breathing deeply. There were swells of grief but no tears. The stillness helped me put words to my feelings. I had cried when he died, but then it subsided. Too quiet. Where was my grief?
It can be 20 days or 20 years since your parent(s) has died and still there is a painful nostalgia that accompanies thoughts and reflections on our lives when our parent(s) was alive. Whether you perceived your parent as a loving parent or an unloving parent, this remains true. In one way or another we register the uniqueness of our relationship with…
Often, poets capture the feelings following the death of our loved one in ways that transcend words. Westley Nash does exactly that in this short poem, read by the author, Left Behind.
But that shadow has been serving you!
What hurts you, blesses you.
Darkness is your candle.
Your boundaries are your quest.
You must have shadow and light source both.
Listen, and lay your head under the tree of awe.
— Rumi, a 13th Century Poet
Grief in its rawest form can feel like a shroud: grey, bleak, hiding but not shielding us from unbearable pain. Grief can cause us to question if we will ever again recover our essence, zest and sense of hope. There is no antidote, nor would we want there to be. Grief is part of every life. It is a time more than any other when we need the healing balm that is found in states of awe.
Are you grieving a parent you considered unloving, not present or abusive? You may wonder, “Why do I feel so grief-stricken?” You may not have felt loved nor feel like you loved your parent. You may not have experienced “unconditional love” and wonder, “ Why am I so sad? Why am I so anxious and confused? Do I really care?” Perhaps, more…
After the dust begins to settle following a major loss, people often struggle to return to their routines in a way that honors and makes space for their bereavement. Grief rituals can help people find meaning as well as heal.
Rituals are an important way people can adjust to the loss of a loved one, develop an ongoing connection with the deceased and can help create a connection to your community and support system.
There are many types of parent child relationships ranging from the most loving and supportive to the most troubled and conflicted. For the sake of this conversation, let’s start with the most loving relationship. Let’s say you have a son or daughter who couldn’t be more loving, understanding and supportive. They visit you, call and check on you regularly, they meet many of your needs, take you to your doctors’ appointments, make sure you eat, take your meds, take you on outings and see your grandchildren, family and friends, etc. They want to take extra special care of you because they don’t want any harm to come to you. They cannot even tolerate the thought of you dying on their watch.
What’s in a word? Some words can be very powerful, especially when you’re grieving. For someone whose parent has recently died, the first word they associate with their parent might be constant. It’s usually defined as dedicated, devoted, faithful, loyal, steadfast, steady. For many adult children who have had a parent die, those are some of the words that immediately spring to mind when they describe their parent. They might also say they thought of their parent “as an angel,” “a best friend,” “best support.”
In the months after a person’s spouse has died, some people feel like nothing is changing, like they’re really not healing. That feeling can be deceptive, because for most people their emotional, mental, spiritual and physical states are changing. To illustrate the changes, HOPE group members recently wrote down the word or two that best described their current state of mind. The results…
If your spouse or partner has died, you have probably had people say some things to you that are — however unintentional —completely inappropriate. One sentiment expressed in different ways is the idea that we should “move on” with our lives. As if we just need to get over it. In this powerful TED Talk, Nora McInerny talks about the fallacy of “moving on.”